continuum

all happy endings have an eternal continuum.  

it is this continuum that has reassured 

our beginning is about to happen.  

aGain.  and aGain.  to aGain.  for aGain.

the near end

Jurnei, i plead my case:

35+ years in religion that preached i have to earn happiness.  not happy about that.
16 years resurrected and still alive.  wanting to be happy about that.
15 years rejected by ecclasia.  not happy about that.
8 years married.  i was happy about that and i still am and it feels like i'm trying to look for the BAD times to justify the divorce.  not happy about doing that.
2.5 years a divorcee.  not happy about that.  but separated from the abuse: happy about that.
2 years an 11ad.  i am happy about that.
1 year with a young christian group.  happy about that.
10 days off my stupid ass drugs!  i am happy about that.
multiple christmasses with families, friends, loved ones and no one.  somewhat happy about that.
last christmas physically abused and scarred by love.  not happy about that.
christmas 10 years before that physically scarred and physically abused, also by love.  not happy about that.
this christmas emotionally still scarred.


NOW TIME: every fucking day i rise it is the demons of others that haunt me all day.
night exists not, for i find no sleep with the wicked.
night is beautiful but during the day there are wolves walking around in sheep's clothing.
they snore with the flock; growl at the weak and mock the un ordinary.

i am not a judge or a jury or an executioner.
my Trinity is the Jury and They commend me for standing my ground.
but Trinity will answer my requests and though my request be to get rid of the fakers, ha, that will not make me lonely.
i will rejoice when the pharisees are removed.
most will weep for their loss for it seems, to them, better to join the ranks of "the strong", the brute.  
i will be and AM weak in our Creators eyes.
and i find rest in that.
They provide my weaponry.
They promise victory.
the religions of this world will no longer intimidate me.
the powers are not greater.
the principalities will also never intimidate me.
they make their presence easily known.

if any, from our human race, sides with the wraiths you will be dealt with, immediately.  the end is near.

praises!

healthy for what

thank You Jurnei that
i walk.
i at least can walk, though i feel i limp, in which i do.
yet,
i walk.

i am still on this fossilized earth walking amongst the living.
barely for small amounts of time,
do i feel alive.

i do not want ..... ...... ........ ............. flattery to remind me.

sugar coating is poisonous.

i smile from offers,
yet,
my trust frowns.

i need, no, i truly want to smagrin for real.

as currently, i scowl.

head aches.

lips chapped.

eyes sore and dry.

hands vibrant.

arms rested.

life deals me what?  times to hope, i suppose.  hope to just RUN WITH THE WINDS!
and FLY BY THE WINDS!

my heart is strong, i notice that.  today, i realized it.
i want to realize it more when i wake.  when i slumber.

blood pump strong in my veins and arteries.

foot don't fail me.

Jurnei send me

SIGHTS

so my sights, the sights of my heart are tied to Trinity.

They lead me above over and over and over.

sure most times when this world snares me and drags me down, i just have to relax myself, my core, and become what i already am to this world: invisible.

when i am what i am to this cruel world of “impression” and “image” it becomes easier to just float away, through the discrimination, above the vengeance.

if i look downward, upon the roads i’ve tread, i see footsteps long gone and missing.

i see the beaten path, i feel the worn road, i take notice the sides set to beset and it saddens me.

the second i look upward to Them, almost instantly, i am rescued within Their Promises.

the sights of my mind are rampant within itself.

i scurry to and fro to make sense of loss and gain.

as i spin within my sharpened circles, the bleeding doesn’t offer soothing pain.

in a vacuum almost nothing can.

yet when i stare blindly, disappearance occurs not from the fog of dust bitten,

or elements of memories smitten.

the whispering Truth “it’s not your fault” wipes away lies of the past and what lies in, too.

the sights of my body seem to be recurring.

decayed scabs falling away, to the sides of emptiness.

their graves recapture them.

they are not my home yet invitations are made, often.

absolutely no body rests with the dead because the dead do not rest.

and what of the “Rest of Us”?

forever it is!  everyone with each other from times past with under times present dawning the times awaiting!

the revolutions of the Son are healing and re healing.

planting and re planting.

i choose to grow within my cylinders of Life.

the sights of my soul are protecting Who’s waiting for me.

’tis i.

i will meet you within Them.

i will greet you as You have greeted me all throughout life’s dreams and nightmares.

under all cycles of treatment, You have been present, with in my view.

You greet with reflective eyes that smile, “Good Day to you”.

the Day it is.

and Good it is.

many sights to sing all through out the galaxies of Light!

and the beautiful Eve hummms beneath the chorus . . . . .

free to sing Your praise Most High

Jurnei,
i love You!
it was a tough day.
but You follow suit.
You fulfill Your Word.
Wordz of peace.
oh my adversaries were so envious last night,
weren't they?
i want them to know, not understand, because they can't understand,
they are bland.
not at fault for that.
but ......
they were so sooooo envious.
because i brought You praise!!!
and i will continue!!!!
and continue!!!!!
and continue!!!!

smagrin ........

thank You Jurnei

drooped eyes above a smagrin

You woke me Jurnei.

i needed to be.

i needed to be somewhere.

i needed to be somewhere this morning.

where i feel alive.

even while hidden

and disgraced for who i am,

You needed me,

 to be where You were this morn.

i thank You.

a good morning walk in the calm quiet air.

good talks Trin.

i listen.

i hear.

i nod.

i know what needs to be done.

rest? not tonight ... .. .

dear Jurnei,

i have been in floods for the last 3 hours ....

and it is still ......

only 3:11 a.m. ......

it is cold .......

but my burden my grief my, ok, i'll say it, my sadness ......

i can't appreciate the cold.

i want to.

a cold hand.

a cold leg.

a cold foot.

a cold arm.

a cold heart?

within my racing, worn down mind, are the questions,

"what did i do wrong"?!

and now, already, another storm arises!!

i am heated by anger for myself

for my heart

for my attempts, failed,

at helping a loved one,

with her losses!

i can't figure it OUT!!!

i keep going over the times, the dates, the chances,

and behind the doors i see all her family that HATE ME because I AM THE ONE ALIVE AND NOT HIM!!!

churches that align cause and guilt to the living,

me,

who should have been dying,

me!

JURNEI!!

i don't want to hopelessly ask You again and again, anymore, to END MY life.

it has already ended.

and i am stuck with the living who don't even see the living.

i see them all around me!

and i thought, no, i believed i was one, too.

compassion to the wearisome?

dissipated.

Jurnei,

for some reason,

i am feeling all the hate of her family,

tonight,

and compiled from the congregations of her family,

who hate me and told me,

looked me straight in the face,

and said,

"why couldn't it have been you".

for 10 years,

for 8,

for 4,

for 2,

for 1,

i supported to the best i felt necessary.

i gave up all of me for "the vow".

i gave up all of me for "trust".

i gave up all of me for "justice".

i gave up all of me for "promise".

i gave up all of me for "duty".

i gave up all of me for "family".

i gave up all of me for "liturgy".

i gave up all of me for "strength".

i gave up all of me for "value".

i gave up all of me for "signs".

i gave up all of me for "forgiveness".

i gave up all of me for "I love you".

i gave up all of me for "peace".

i gave up all of me for "honor".

i gave up all of me for "invitation".

i gave up all of me for "empathy".

i gave up all of me for "mercy".

and what dividends have been allotted me?

blinking.

flickering.

chaffed.

dust in the wind.

fleeting.

vanished.

figment.

i am angry at myself, Jurnei, for letting things get bad.

to worse.

to gone.

to dead.

to my fault.

1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

"stop streams of warm confusion.  tis difficult to see".

my breathes are heavy.  shaky.  deep.

my chest quivers.

eyes wide open so early or late this morn or past evening.

lots of happiness 6 to 9 hours ago.

did i belong there?

the many MANY x's would SCREAM back at me,

and in my face,

"NO"!

i can't swim today, Jurnei.

lava sinks.  and when cooled, is worth nothing.

even hate is worth something.

but is it worth someone?

deep breathes, still blinking eyes, wandering.

"a yawn"?

"am i worthy of this allowance"?

oh, with pain, has it been afforded me.

this deadening thing called life.

i DID my best in being Your Light,

in helping her.

in comforting her.

in supporting her.

in encouraging her.

and all my truth, from Truth Yourselves, is buried with them,

the 1 and the other 1 and the other 1, and so on, and so on.

"Right" why are we "Wrong"?

assigned a sign

Jurnei, good morning and good afternoon ....

thank You for our talk last night, in the brisk cool weather, thank You.

i am still at wonderment for what You have for me.

i work with good people and i am thankful to You for them. 

in all our weaknesses, please bless us, bless them, bless.

You have and continue to bless me.  for that, smagrin.

time is winding down Jurnei for the next chapter in my life.

i am thankful i have a next chapter. 

Jurnei, please help me, advise me, strengthen me, educate me to know what to say to those who feel they want to close the book on their life.  or feel their chapters are filled with doom and exile. 

i am so thankful to You for knowing and believing that i, we all, are accepted for who we ARE. 

the shame in my friend's stress filled lives is saddening. 

please lift their spirits, their beings, their aura's. 

this is my compassion to the wearisome and burdensome.

always has been.  always will be.

i love You Jurnei, my Trinity friend of all, to all, for all, with all.

assist me with these new revealing signs and clues and signals.  they're coming to me fast and frequent.  and i thank You that i can manage these signs and their frequency. 

a sound frequency it is!

a signal of the destination: joy.  life.  Light.  peace.

i have brothers and sisters who are but feel they are not. 

everything, time and it's continuum, is glorious.  not yet realized by all. 

i thank You for the rest you have ready for me.

for us.

here

Jurnei ....

You are definitely ever present .....

always around me ......

always before me ......

knowing the wrong i want to do .......

knowing the right i want to be ......

knowing the wrongs that i do ......

knowing the rights i want to restore .......

You never put me in shame .......

from my falls i still stand ......

You are my foundation ........

You are the cool flowing water that washes me clean ........

You remind me of obviousness ........

that i am with You always ........

and no matter where i go ........

no matter when i am sent away .......

no matter how i am set apart .......

You are with me ........

covering my every moves ........

directing my motion .......

and if i veer to the left .......

or wander to the right ........

You are still my Path ........

and my only Way ........

that sings .......

"I'm still here" .........

and i sing with You .........

You are here .......

and i am here .......

and we are here .......

together ........

hummm ..........

content yawn

any day

all day

every day

any eve

all eve

every eve

Trin You are so radiant!

whether i am blinded by the past

you GLOW too amazingly powerful and fresh and contrite!

my so many so many questions about life and death are compiled to just a few.  maybe two.  maybe one!

and really, how rhetorical it is.

"oh how You LOVE us"!

i smagrin holding in the details!

You know my blue prints.

You know my meaning.

You know me.

i know You.

oh!

i smagrin ........

u vA Je'D

i wrote this poem for us Jurnei!

Hummm (revolution two A of circle 2) #6 began 11/15/2013. completed 8/13/2014.

u vA Je'D

Days end as another day ends the spectrum's circle: spectre's cycle. Hide and go. Seek a floating presence not weighing in secrets, but cells and chambers.

Every instance is still re-instituted, and the past has been, but not for comparisons to the future.

Jremes re-incarnate. Jurneis revisit. “What i've seen before looks similar to it's past. Was it the same path”? My foot prints seem identical, less i'm once again floating above our unseen shadows. “Lift shadows, lift. Re-appear from our disappear”.

Accurate my current stretches. No regrets for all attempts. No floating dismal this time, saddened by who or what might never be. Again. And again. It might never be. But please.

Voices echo, falling from yesterday's yesteryears. Cry out from within the mirrors of time (begging to be seen). Bettering the scenes. Blistered we may seem from the new layer of gently pressed time. It parachutes over us so softly. So sweetly. So unnoticeable. “So are you gonna change something”? because …...

“u va jurnei. u va jreme. u va nother. u va role.

u va liking. u va choice. u va reconing. uve control.

u va mystery. uve beliefs. u van archive uve yet read.

uve today. uve tomorrow. uveternity. u va jed”.

irun

really Jurnei!  You cause me to shake my head left and right, back and forth!

i SMAGRIN all the time!! 

You are so amazing!  and wonderful!  and remind me, my past is not my fault.

i accept Your reminder.

i run with You toward my future!

guidance

Jurnei,

please give me guidance with my heart.

You know what i refer to.

You see my face of joy when i see ..... face of joy.

when i hear the voice of it.

when i hear so much love for You! 

let me keep singing my love for you, as well.

it is just so great to hear someone else love You so much!!

You, Jurnei are the Light of Sound and Praise and Love and Freedom!

grace me with a smile.

You are finding favor in me.  or is it i am finding favor by You? 

thank You Jurnei.  what a game of words.  You know me so well :-)

ultimate praises to You Three +

smagrin!!

Trust

Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil. 

For Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory forever and ever. 

 i am tempted to give in, to give up, to give excuse for giving less than what i am able. 

 i am able to do so much and be even more, all because of how You have created me. 

 Lead me within Your Kingdom, equipped with Power, created to bring You Glory.

thank You Jurnei!

still excited

some how, Jurnei, i'll get through.  i will get to You.  i know You are here with me, in me, around me, yet, i smagrin, ambulo.  my foot curls up still.  whether there is interest from the outside, i know You are not just interested in what i am doing on this, or where i am going, but You are planning this.

i still don't know, i have no clue, what this is gonna be about.  i don't want to keep wondering either because than it is almost a "set up", a set up to something BIG when maybe, it doesn't need to be.  i don't think it does.  Jurnei, i'll be serious, ever since 4/26/98, i don't feel important.  i feel as if i was a set up for something BIG and obviously, it was not.  i am not.

so i am going to just go GO and try to help people, others, feel and know that they ARE big to You, no matter how small and insignificant this world causes them to feel.  it sure happens!

but i believe, Jurnei, this is an easy task by simple utter enjoyment for Life.  not for what life brings me and others, but for what i can bring Life.  You Jurnei are Life!  and i just want to bring You my recognition, appraisal, reverence, joy and love.

i am stifled here.  my joy is shadowed and over shadowed even more.  my joy is even questioned.  not by You, though.

3+

JURNEI!!

in a little over, A LITTLE OVER, 3 months my travel begins!

i have already run into encouragers, who some might say "stranger" because i have never really met them before.  but were and ARE they ever so encouraging!

You placed them there at that exact time, to stifle any trepidation in me.

Thank You Jurnei!

i must be composed.  i must have clarity.  i must be ready.  just looking at my packing list, which was helped by You, it doesn't seem to full.  that is good.

OH!!!  thank you for the encouragers!

may i continue to find rest these coming nights.  NO FEAR.  this perfect love is musical.  this perfect love is orchestrated by You.

Jurnei, as i prepare the packing list, prepare my heart too, please.  and my mind.  and my body.

ambulo.

ph413

jer2911

1j220

latria Trinity!!!

clapping and clapping

open the door please

Thank You, Jurnei, for blessing me with so much talent and adorning me with such gifts.  Beautiful.

I will never ask for more or return what's provided, so that I gain less.

The enormous amount of blessings is overwhelming (diction, voi, joi, hummm, refrain, coda).

To the “rule”, I am over qualified, an acception of giftedness.

To the all knowing leaders, by gnosis, I am over-annointed knowing too much,
having seen too much,
having heard too much,
having learned to much,
having been given too much,
and sharing too much.

I have been enducted in Your presence.
Endowed since before conception.
Instructed by Your Spirit.
Enlightened from the overSeerz.
But not enabled by the underscored.  The undersurfaced.  The undersourced.
To all them, I am under scrutiny.  And they wedge, in me, refrain.

Please Jurnei, bring forth, to me, the means to make use of what You've equipped me with:
Boldness for justice.
Tenderness for mercy.
Diction to savor.

Sounds that sharpen while in key.

I do not wield Your Sword and Armor for vanity's sake, yet, if I just continue to stand my ground bearing it, am I vain unto the public?  To the peer?  To the poor?  To the proud?

Help me to stand and stand firm in honor.

Integrity is shielded within the crown of my temple.

And may the presence of death never inject, in me, malice or it's seed of intent and may our holy places never be numbed with indifference.

I faithfully request this with humility.

Please show me where this path begins.

Latria Jurnei …....

3d

Jurnei

3 wake ups.

3 wrestles.

3 in a row.

i will seek counsel for the 3 nightmares i had.

6-26-14: my falling sliced off head in slow motion but on my face i am smiling with the back ground swirling artistically.

6-27-14: pushed or jumped off a bridge as if being hanged by a noose.  night.  no rain.  no wind.  no conversation.

6-28-14: wake up stabbed in head.  but still able to walk around and converse.

hmmmmmmmm ..........

jurnei please heal my mind from this.  i feel not anxiety but slight trepidation.

definition convo #1

"who defines you?", my shadow asked.

i replied, "everyone"?

"well, let's look outward toward the reflection of yourself, and ask,

"who defines your friends"?

the simple answer of truth: not you.

and not anyone else BUT your friends.

equally, the definition of yourself is penned only by yourself.

"friend" does not define you,

neither does "enemy".

"fathers" and "mothers", "aunts" "uncles" "grandparents"

"foster parents" do not define you.

"status": good or bad, does not define you.

"mistake" or "success" does not define you.

"expectation" by all, and even "expectation" by self does not define you.

your "greatest achievement" or your "worst failure" does not define you.

behind you, whether "trail of tears" or "shadows of laughter" does not define you.

"future hopes" you've laid down or

your "past of sorrow" dug up, does not define you.

acronyms of mental health do not define you.

comparisons of financial wealth does not define you.

what you see in a mirror does not define you.

and neither does what you don't see.

your definition is not permanent nor ever changing,

nor elusive to reality,

nor static to fantasy.

definition is just a word or jumble of words used as a filler, acting as "purpose".

definition matters to judge or jury and matters not to executioner.

definition matters to a Book of rules or memory.

definition matters to scars of tragedy or evidence to amputee.

yet, none of that Truly defines you".

i stopped grinding.  looked down and paused.  my fist opened and the stone, dry and rough, fell to the surface beneath me, near my nightly guardian.

money it

MONEY

why is life dependent on it?

success is based on it.

fortunes are monopolized by it.

safety is needed by it.

security is shackled in it.

status is compared by it.

relationships are divided by it.

lives are ended because of it.

love is fossilized in it.

trust is not earned from it.

faith is gambled for it.

marriages are ended because of it.

families float from it.

friends are embarrassed by it.

divorces are paid off by it.

counsel is weakened from it.

health is afraid because of it.

deaths are buried from it.

WHY JURNEI?

branson

HONEST ALERT!!

so, i have 4+ months left on my apt lease.  and i will sell whatever possessions that will not benefit me.  i might give my father my truck but if he sells it after finding out what i am going to do, then i won't.

once the end of October arrives, i will begin my trek southward.

i might stop in Branson for a while.  sleep under bridges or over passes.  lobby's?  foyers?

i don't know whether to head eastward or westward or just continue southward.

I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM THIS PLACE.

talk about spinning??  the wheels of my mind have been spinning since waking and i wish i never woke.

i feel like the only reason i am keeping myself alive is to appease my family.  for all their prayers.  for all their attention.  for all their "help".

i feel like the only reason i am alive is to fulfill the church's definition of "miracle".  for all their prayers "answered".  all their hopes "achieved".  but there is no work of theirs for who and what i am.  and that is why, to churches and to families, i am normal.

"really"?

Jurnei, i am so out of here in a hurry!

southward

I am having visions of how I am to live my purpose:

starting now, I will devote all my income to savings.

I will work as often as time allows.

to pass the off work time, I will reside in nature covered by her foliage.

nestled on a blanket wrapped in the breeze.

sung to by fowl.

I will run within the forest's halls of oak and birch.

by October ..... I will NOT renew my apt lease.

I will NOT move in with family nor supposed friend.

I will begin my pilgrimage southward on FOOT along the Eye of 35.

back pack, water bottle, guitar, journal, Bible and tent and sleeping bag.

comfort needs not to accompany me.

direction needs not to lead me.

the sad couples of "regret and hope" and "promise and fallacy" shall remain behind me.

if I estimate my funds then I lack faith in providence.

I will lack nothing other than who has left me and who mistreats me.

they shall remain.

my journey will present an open blank tablet to write more new songs of peace.

for this is for me.

to walk.

away.

to mingle with the unknowns.

who are far away.

new appreciations to incur.

the lives of others.

the tastes of middle hemisphere wine.

campouts along the oceansides.

coasts of crashing tides filled with fish untasted. yet.

conversations with the tongues I speak.

and should continue to learn.

paint my face with mud to cover the scars of blood and hate.

smile and laugh and smagrin to the clear night's stars.

smell the scents of Guatemala.

wake to El Salvador's coffee again and again and again ...

meet those with beautiful green Columbian eyes.

roll in the forests of Brazil and cure myself from the disease of scorn.

shake hands with Peruvians and Bolivians then dish out cuisine with

farmers from Argentina.

swirl the spices of Chile too and sharing music with all.

this will span till 40.

i might rest my souls in the Falkland Islands.

or bury myself underneath and between the dueling oceans.

~~~ ~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~~

down under lies. my purpose. lies. my value. lies. my life. lies.

yet i will float and fly above within the particles of Truth.

and only then will i find rest.

and sip with the Trinity the vintage Malbec and Merlot.

WE shall smile with eye lids closed.

slow breathing and laughing.

then a contrite smagrin

hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

https://soundcloud.com/smorez/latriaj-w-percussion

https://soundcloud.com/smorez/latriaj-w-percussion

tuff

i do have a tuff road ahead of me.

a path of blockages.

a path of ditches.

a path of holes.

a path sidelined with objections, etc.

HOWEVER!

Jurnei, 1st and foremost I will praise You!

to get me through, to spur me on, to nudge me forward.

2nd i will bless rather than curse.

3rd i will accept rather than refuse.

this is in part due and owed to our Predecessors.

You are my Help in this.

i will trust You.

appreciation

Jurnei

thank You so much for my friends : the room mates that enjoy life ....

thank You for the Life You have given them ....

please protect them .....

thank You for the life You have given me and still .....

i continue on .......

portant

i

am

GOING

to

BE

what

i

WANT

to

be

which

IS

what

others

think

i

CAN

never

be:

IMPORTANT

sheol open up!!!

Strength

Help

Ever lasting

Overseerz

Lovessence

........

Oneness

Premises

Escalades

Newness

.......

Upwards to Light

Promises

a bit of stress un stressed

ok Jurnei

all centered

and able i am.

not sure what is exactly going on .....

but i'm liking it so far.

you have shine light on resources

and not just for me

but for those who i've always had an open eye toward.

so .....

thank you for these two new young ones under my wings.

and thank you for entrusting in me ...

"sensitivity".

let me continue to fix my eyes on You.

as i move closer and closer to you, Jurnei,

this path we walk or run or roll or rock

it will be fun

and that is what life is to be about!

thank You for how un stressful yesterday really was!

i am still here.

and You are still here.

and they are still here.

FAs you are still here too.

i smagrin

4-9-14

630a leave for mimis to get print outs of pay stubs

7a told i have to do that on my own

730a go to mcdonalds to use wifi to load up pay stub info

8a go to catholic charities to print pay stubs

830a walk with catholic charity person

10a get A and K so they can be a part of the hooplah

1030a the 3 of us go through financial counseling

11a wait to see what's next

12p think about getting groceries

1p pantry

2p fridge clean

3p rest

4p shower at denises

5p mimis

10p done with work

seeing dark

Jurnei,

whether i end from the beginning

or if i start from the ending,

the swirl is no more comfortable.

the spinning to no where is driving me insane.

i see flashes of "fun"

and then the lights are gone.

like sparklers in a light beginning of a spring shower.

and there is so much haze,

and fog,

and the smell is fine,

but after a while,

it gets old.

gray old.

barely living to live is not what living is supposed to be about.

4 weeks of trite coverage is not sustaining.

4 hours in 1 day out of 365 days really is not sustaining.

enjoyable, yes.

but the memories flash away like sparklers.

glows of sudden glory have again, been overcome by the darkness that surrounds me,

is in me,

fills me,

seeps from me,

hummms at me,

IS me.

i was Light before April.

or was i?

4 weeks, we'll see or i won't see . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

i'd rather die tryin' than live dyin'

i'd rather die tryin' than live dyin'.  

Jurnei,

take away my efforts

of the present:

from the past:

in the future.

for they are futile.

maybe it's the feeling like i have to

"overcome"

the disdains, all the time.

the visions of scorn.

10 years of that plus an added year before that.

it hurts so much.

it kills me that they won.

"she" won because her family won.

i have the freedom, yes, but it feels like freedom to lose?

it really still does not feel right.

my songs to praise You are not heard.

my heart to cry is muzzled.

my soul in hell is muffled.

show me the way to rescue it.

is it by simple praise?

just praise?

pure?

praise?

i must keep singing it, i suppose.

so my dungeon kept soul will just hummm the echoes of it as the shackles are being unlocked.

is that what i vizited years ago?

hmmmmmm

HOWLZ to the LOST

right now, i am and have been very very lost ...

lost in thought ...

lost in meaning ...

lost in nature ...

lost in life ...

lost in death ...

lost in hate ...

lost in love ...

each second i am now "living" or dying, whatever, i don't want.

my swelling mind is searching for escape ...

the means for escape ...

any reasons for escape ...

i am questioning the decisions i find myself making or wanting to make because i feel like those are decisions to do somethings right or not wrong.

my mind is swollen from the last 16/36 years of being filled with sugar coated guilt and shame and slander that i am full of sin because that is how You made me.

my escape will soon be complete.

soon may equal 2 years or 200 years.

i trust no one.

i want to trust few.

i want to trust the "10".

but then ... do i really?

my escape seems to only be made by plunging into the depths of darkness ...

"hell", what or where ever that is in relation to reality

or propaganda.

i goal one!

it would be nice to be accompanied by others who believe and trust in what they believe ...

but even i do not believe "they" exist or have the capacity.

it will just be what it is.

the window frames in time.  this is now, frame 1.

long is the way through the dimensions of passages, many they are and may and will be.

i goal one.

trust no one.

but me

for i am a zero.

i am not the one.

i am not the savior.

i am just doing and being who and what none else will:

aware.

howllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

new leaf

ok Jurnei,

my head is still clouded clouded clouded.  don't know if it is residual steam or new steam or clearing fog or thunder or dust smitten?  my brain just aches ... ... ...

i don't believe it is due to loss anymore, i think it is not understanding the loss.  i know You "give" and You "take" away ... ... ... so how is Your name blessed by that.  i can not bless.  others are no different.  i am not blessed by my own means.  i am though blessed from whatever company i keep.

i am befriending someone and they are so valuable to You Jurnei.  i know it.  i can see it.  it matters not if they are valuable to me, maybe because i don't feel valuable to me.

and no, i do not believe i am attempting to be hypocritical.  i find it easier to debase myself, especially if it is unknowingly lifting someone else up.

religion, every sunday, says i am nothing.  so i am living it.  everyone else is something and someone.  to most, i feel as no one.  to few, i do not know.  to some, maybe.

at least this month has begun brighter than it has in the past.

and yet, i still feel self trapped in that past of darkness.

is that where i belong?  will i ever escape it?

i will only retreat from it with my fellow fallen ones.

maybe that is why i am so dismal.

please March light shine on and refill the barren ... ... ... ... .. .. .. .. . . . .

morose

Jurnei,
a friend of mine said this prayer for me last night and these two sentences stick out to me.

"Awaken me to the treasures that can only be found in darkness."
and
"Mother Teresa of Calcutta, her words, "I am told God loves me and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Before I could spend hours before Our Lord, loving Him, talking to Him and now, not even meditation goes properly. Yet deep down somewhere in my heart that longing for God keeps breaking through the darkness....my soul is just like an ice block, I have nothing to say". Later she wrote, " I have come to love the darkness for I believe that it is a part, a very small part of Jesus' darkness and pain on earth".

YES!  i believe fully there are treasures hidden in darkness.  they are your 1/3 original angels, just lost, and manic depressive.

i am a jot of dark surrounded by differences of light.  Jurnei, i want to believe, i don't know.  is it selfish to think i can shine light?  i rather believe i reflect different lights.  angry lights.  joyful lights.  placid lights.  but i do not know if light rests in me.  i think it's why darkness keeps surrounding me, it is drawn to my darkness.

is that why i am here?  to draw the darkness home?  i like the thought, especially knowing there are treasures found in my darkness.  treasures such as lost friends, hurt friends, angry friends, sad friends, rejected friends, abused friends and happy friends but just lonely.

it's morose.  and i can barely think about music these days.  maybe that's focusing me, focusing my mind?

i'm looking for something though.

why can't i sense you?

Jurnei,

am i looking for You in moments?  in others?  in life?  in me?

in purpose?

are You there?  or are You me?

i have been so drained by joy tonight,

and i do not believe it was even real joy.

evenings and days of placebos.

i have been so usurped.  and it weakens my efforts.  to the point of decay.

i don't believe i am supposed to be here anymore.

bang

Jurnei

all thoughts of my future are of You

are in You

are with You.

those are what will arrive.

presently, my head just aches and throbs.

a callous sponge it is.

some thing is wanting to burst toward the glow.

Your original glow.

but then i remember those who are left in the dark.

and i want to find them.

show them tiz a game.

tis difficult to curl up a smagrin.

any moment of relaxation seems a waste.

but i want to rest so desperately.

so that the pounding may subside.

maybe tis a reverb of musical aura?

that would sound nice ... ... .... .... ... ..... . . ......... .. ........ ... .. . ... . . .

fearless dreamer

i just revisited a time from this past fall ...

"dreamers rarely fear" was the quote i took note of.

Jurnei, i believe i am getting back to dreaming.

i love living a life of no fear.

and You know that over the last 10 + years i was mocked for living with no fear.

ridiculed by certain families that resembled every other family.

attempted attempts to convict me to fear fear fear.

fear organizations.

fear relations and relationships.

fear out comes.

fear plans.

fear not having plans.

fear the unknown.

fear self.

fear death.

fear life.

JURNEI!!!  what is the deal with so much fear?!

fear does not deserve so much attention.

and i tried my best to ward it, to ignore it, but when i tried to feel included in the "game" of life, and when everyone was telling me to fear "losing" the game of life, i fell victim to the trap.

i took the bait.

well, Jurnie, i have puked up their tactics.  

that was a loss in the midst of many losses of mine.

again, i was told loss is fearful.

'tis not.

in my dreams there is no loss.

that is true Gain.

sure, in reality there may be much loss,

but i believe You have told me,

i lose nothing and yet if i lose everything,

i gain it all back.

this is an avenue of my dream.

nothing to fear in that.

cool Jurnei ....