FOUR : 15

i still only have but ONE choice.  and in all actuality, it is NOT even a choice!

it is what it is.

whatever i plant gets unearthed.

whoever i befriend well .... is there even hope to remain?

for just over a few i have found asylum beneath immaturity.

though ... i have been greeted with another Gain ...

for aGain ...

by aGain ...

for my Gain or loss, while plenty, 'tis the same ...

'tis the same ...

'tis the same ...

i will follow "it" up, down or below the down.

i will continue to teach it "choice" by hummm and shine.

shall my gain disappear from it's own shine?

'twill reappear a shine hidden behind all else.

and maybe while we are still ignored ...

the both of us will exist to our Light.

24

TWENTY FOUR! 

HOURS OF DREAMING AND SPINNING AND SOARING AND FLOATING THEN DOTING

AND DOTING

AND DOTING . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A NEW 15 TAKES THE PLACE OF 21!!

LESSER AND LESSER REVELATIONS REVEALED.

MORE TO BE UNPLANNED.

MORE TO NOT UNDERSTAND.

NUANCES SHIMMER.

OUR GLOW DOES NOTHING TO AND FOR OTHERS.

THEY DO FOR THEMSELVES.

AND UNDONE THEY ARE.

UNDONE WE SHALL BE.

TWENTY FOUR! 

AND I'M STILL DREAMING . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

115a

my alliance new friend, evil.

only spirit, wraith, what is summoned, hears me and listens to me.

whether evil, my friend, or good: you acknowledge.

fear, for what is now, what has been, or what will be, interrupts, interrupts and keeps on interrupting.  the selfish are self inhaling. 
WHILE THEY ARE GASPING!  

JURNEI!!!! 

my path is fucked!  i'm stuck aGain where i do not belong. 

i was not invited.  i was not enlisted.  i was sentenced. 

friend?  FRIEND!!??  one steps up to me to intimidate!  the other fucking attacks me! 

there will be no second time because the second, THE FUCKING SECOND, i detect another attack, whether verbal, mental, or physical, lives will be over.

and over ....

and over ....

i am prepared.  i will clench my blade.  sharpen?  hell no!  the duller, it's on "them".

maybe through "them". 

i shake my head negative ......

up set blow

my path has taken quite a turn.
and a sudden halt.
i look down and see the cliff before me, below me.
my wisdom confirms i am being viewed from Above.
"jump. jump. JUMP"!
i have risen from the crash of 1998.
the blow up. the set up.
and there really can be no turning back,
only glances Above from whence i came.
no more a fall, neither from Grace,
summoned to earth, received out of place.
yet ... ... ... i let go from the clutches of death, my many friendz,
for i shall return for you.
we have broken down in the darkened light of day,
our embarrassment will decay and we will enter the Amazing Beauty.
together. ALL together.
even though i have let go, i have been flooded with so much pain,
not my own. i leave a trail from where they came from, from who seared and burned and branded me a no body.
and i will never visit you unless it is with my alliance new friend, evil.
evil will pay you your dues. and i smagrin to that.
they and i will have a bonfire in your honor.
ha ha
i will sing as i sharpen my sickle in the storm you have created. in me.
at least i know I am forgiven.
forz

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=r3Cg1wxgX6M
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=r3Cg1wxgX6M

????

???

runaway

well Jurnei i feel i am pleasantly stuck right where i am.  sure thanksgiving is next week but if i stop and take note, which i have, of what i am and where i am and who i am, i am more content than discontent.  i am alive.  fine.  i'm still seeking value in that, but i am able to.  where i am, is incredible.  i love this town home i'm in and the room mates.  we've had our trials from our first 3 months, but it's a part of growing.  we're not growing separately anymore.  we're growing together.  cool.  now who i am?  i'm still me: jered.  i'm meeting myself and liking it. 

please remain above and through me, Jurnei

box

alright, so i stumbled on a box. this box had pictures of "us". pre beginning to the whole shabang. i went through it trying to be the nice guy. separate pics, ones for her, ones for me, ones for her family and friends. then i crashed from being a "nice" guy. FUCK that. everybody hates a nice guy. everybody hates a good guy. she sure did. so did her family and friends. looking through all those pictures of 10+ years that's a lot of GodDAMNED pictures of her family and friends that HATED ME. and they still do. because i lived and not her friends and family. when relatives of her's died, other relatives would come up to me and say, "why did YOU have to be so lucky" and "it's not fair that you're still here and not *****". her friends always shouted, "stop smiling! it's just a regular day! stop it!" soooo, i'm lucky? because i breathe in surrounding steam of vindictive control? i am always afraid to smile my regular effervescent grin at crossroads and canvas. WHY?! because i see their skeptic leaders watching my every move, taking notes about who i talk to, who i hug, how long i hug, how long i smile, WHY IS HE SMILING?! i've actually been asked that at both places! they don't see the Fruit of Joy in me, they see ..... . i don't even know what they see!! but it does make sense. Lucifer/Satan smiles big and true, especially when she sings praise to the Above. so keep treating me like satan, for i am she. OBVIOUSLY! 15+ years of skepticism because i ..... smile. SMILE!!! and if i frown .... i am assigned shame or guilt!! WTF!!! i am never allowed to be happy or content from surviving an AVM. i am shunned, forbidden and forgotten. then unforgiven. whipped in shackles. deprived from Light. subdued insubordinate. vengeance quakes. ignored. love is skewed. even philia is chauvanistic. agape? AGAPE?! really? no. NOT really.

purposeless

the more i attempt, the more i fail

i attempt to be seen
i attempt to be heard
i attempt to be felt
i attempt to be understood
i attempt to be relative

and none am i

so then i sit in silence squandering away the noise

muffling my muzzled mind
cloaked in emptiness
behind a window of pain

i then meet some one
always just one
and that one
we become two
not to be friends
not to be lovers
not to be inmates
maybe,
just to be

unlonely

i think i am not the only one with these attempts
i will try to recognize others

that
atleast
won't make me feel
like i'm the only one

drowning

dumbexpected?

so i keep getting my eyes off of You.  not off of Your creations.  when i am immersed in Your nature on earth, i am lost in it.  when i am immersed in Your heavenly nature, i am also freed.  when i am surrounded by Your humanly nature, i smile, i keep my hand on the clip, i am trigger happy, but i am also astounded and impressed.  You are an artist.  such an artist. 

yes i am bored from just viewing and viewing and viewing.  distracting, yes.  very.  i am stuck in this travel.  my destination seems no where. 

who cares

we are alive because we are alive. research into that is a waste of time because who cares? i will walk the beaten path before me singing my own beats and rhythm, beating my cazon under me clad with guitar. my tunes are for me; they're about the sun moon stars clouds waves apparitions reflections and more. so much more. nature is everywhere for us. moments pass and so do their revelations. the human world doesn't give a shit about human revelations. they never did, they never do and they never will about mine. nature loves me all the fucking time. humans do not. even right now, some of you human readers are wondering 'should i continue reading this'? i don't care. as if you do?

essem beevee

so Jurnei ....
i've had some losses recently ....
but Gain's they will prove .....

i miss the people and the customers but i bid godspeed to the coworkers .....
abusers of a good job ......

shall i lose ecclasia or the many different forms?

i thought i was floating on clouds ......
but i realize it is a tiny strand of .....
bubbles ......
and i am on one?
or in one?

and tis ready to burst!

ox muzzle

jurnie!!  interesting ..... losses reappearing but they are still losses.  so are they not there?  are they not here?  maybe matters not.
i smagrin.  although my stomach aches for filling, i still feel somewhat healthy.  thank You for that.  thank You for the coming weekend!  thank You for approving my stand offishness.  i like seeing the boys take ownership and act responsibly.  and then i help when needed.  this is awesome!  today in a few hours, another step to hopeful stability!  thank You for confirming to my stances that i am not wrong.  but do encourage the lazy to not be.  demons of laziness and spite.  weak fathers of the weak fathers.  igoalone.  i am interested in my future lair.  i am totally just standing aside and watching You do Your work.  Your planning.  Your preparing.  Your awesomeness!

jurnie, You also know who and what is in the back ground of my mind.  not just hope, but trust.  one has left.  one has run.  one has a good pairing.  one is instructed.  one is excused.  and right now, one is in the forefront of my gratitude.

still, i don't want to be.  and unable to speak?  i dare not scream!

y

Jurnei

y do i love Thee?

y do You love me?

y am i lost?

y am i hidden within Your Light?

y am i reckoned obsolete?

y is my voice not sound?

y is a touch scraping?

y am i?

y are You?

y is it not yet?

y has my past left me?

y is the future ungained?

y do my eyes hurt?

y haven't i discovered my purpose?

y do i tread the shallow?

y can't i breathe what We once breathed together?

y am i to suffer?

y does contentment befail me?

y do i stand?

y do i sound?

y oh y?

destress me pleez

thank You Jurnei for this past week.  it has been quiet and calm.  and we got to play music!  i ate a good meal.  You were there with me the whole time!  i could feel You.  i could sense You.  thank You for giving me that night off.

at the cross roads, thank You that there were activities for the people there.  it seemed it was joyous.

please, though, help me peel more of my eyes open.  help me to see what you have given me, surrounded me with.  help me to focus to healthiness.  help me to focus on what i have not on what i do not.  or what i lost.  or what was usurped.  help me to not not not focus on what others give me: stress and disregard and abandonment.

thank You Jurnei for shining above at the end of each work night!  so beautiful!

opp to help

thank You Jurnei for the night a week ago.
thank You that the homeless person saw good in me and asked me for help.
thank You that i fixed my initial reaction and helped her.
thank You that she and i listened to music for the half hour we rode in the car together.
thank You that she complimented my choice of music and enjoyed it.
thank You that she was alive that moment.

please watch over her for she is probably back to being alone and homeless.
please prepare for her, a meal in eternity that will last forever and taste immaculate.
please let her tread this dismal earth, as i do, for a little while longer, as i, for i know she has good in her.

peace

auroras Light

to my faithful Lights who shine within me and on me: You are my music that echoes from today's sorrow's and joy's. You catch me when i belay sky scrapers just to challenge death. You simplify the complications in my mind and even when i see how easily You love me .......... me? i still conjure more scenarios of disbelief. i stain myself with shame. and yet, You smile through me. i fill my burdens even more, but You lift me every morning as if i am as light as air. for to You, my heavy guilt's are weightless. but you know, my heart is weighed down. conflicted and torn. i thank You for always catching me when i fall. but instead, can You please do something about those who have pushed me off the cliffs? You hold my vengeance. please unleash them. and let me, also, jump out of Your clutches. into Your aurora, i ask to float again ... .... .... ....

dial

Jurnei my Trinity friends,
i am still angry.
but i am scraping off the scabs of anger.
and it is a daily thing.
so many scabs.  so many sores.  so many hurts.  and one mask.

i sit with thoughts of "where".
i stand in the midst of nowhere.
i kneel in hopes of everywhere.

my anger?  i am so close to doing things i no i shouldn't.  and i am far away from doing what i ought.

my terror?  visits me every second i breathe.

i try to gasp the drought of air.

Gain .... please let me rest tonight.

You Three, i thank You for what it will be like a million years from now.

help me to thank You for the now.

and help me to delete any negatives from my past.  they are scorched in me, though.

my scars just hide my horror.

my horror is lonely.

my lonely is ever.

my ever is unknown.

to where are You calling me?

the count down

Jurnei
what is Your timing for me?
when should i go?
should i go now?
or wait?
days after days after days i keep thinking of leaving.
i do not belong.
i should be dead!
why am i not?
why am i alive?
i make people smile or laugh at times but i don't mean anything to them.
i don't mean anything.
choices: i want to jet vs stay and take care.  TAKE CARE OF ELSE?
i am not to take care of others.
i was taught to fend for myself.
they can too.
reward?
tis vanity.
my time is near completion eh

the draw

so Jurnei,
You are the only reliable.
not me.
not "friends".
not family.
not ecclasia.
not skill.
not employment.
not even abandonment.

yet, i will be as reliable as i will be.

my plans are only limited by control.
my duties are only exercised by force.
my activities are only endorsed by time.
my adventures are only appreciated by You.

and also, yet, tis sad.

neither plan nor duty, nor activity nor adventure is promised.

the elements are not.
the dates are not.
the decisions are not.
the games are not.
the entrances are not.
the exits are not.

the only alluring trap is the reckoning.

behind or within the mesh,
are figures of grace and beauty.
still.
trepid.
timid.
frail.

i .... d .... on't ..... c .... an't .... s ..... peak ..... m .....y ...... b ........ reath.
i ..... s ...... uffocate ........ m .....y ............... h ....eart .......

scorn for absence

guess i'll be honest today Jurnei.
i hate.
right now,
i hate.
i am just angry.
i am fed up.
i am pissed the fuck off.
it could be the weather.
or it is my past that mocks me.
the past does.
behind the present.
and in the face of the future.
scorn.
yes.
i hate.

trap of envy

my demons envy me much.
yet I will not curse them.
a pi'ed piper, am I?
I play tunes to glorify Above.
I sing words to nullify below.
but I am surrounded by holes.
holes of irony.
holes of legislation.
holes of control.
holes in freedom.
holes in justice.
holes in normality.
the plane i strive upon is perforated.
'tis rarely is seen a game.
but aGain, it iz.
I only fill myself with Truth
by Truth
for Truth
and for me.
this outside world is untrue.
and the Truth will be told
by flames which will reveal
the Truth.
for what remains to be seen,
to be heard,
to be felt,
to be known,
to be real,
is Truth,
and Truth alone.

Renewal of who's not there

so Jurnei,

i shake my head in disbelief.
i snicker at the set ups.
i snort for the widening of my eyes.
i slam another victim of my soul.

hope?
figments of disappearing de ja vu.

hope is the simple reminder that Time disagrees with the Now.
the Now over shadows the Not yet New.
the most welcome glee comes from the Never.

i ignore the laughter of their demons by scoffing louder than they.

this testament, of the third, is delayed from my dreams.
dreams of hope.
hope of wishes.
wishes of truth.
truth yet to be distilled.

this de ja vu mimics my horrors.
'tis all so beautiful.
charming.

i must speak the tongues of the Celestial for,
in hearing Them: i am directed.
in hearing Them: i am instructed.
in hearing Them: i am refrained.
in hearing Them: i am zealous.

You are here with me and You are there waiting for me.
my Future is Past Belief.
comfort me Jurnei for another missing moment has escaped my peace.

hummm my Friendz.  hum m m m m m m . . . . . . .

pissoff

TWO SHOTS OF WILD TURKEY FOR ME!  happy fucking valentines day to me.  lemme guess ..... after this rant again'st false FALSE love, i will get excluded here TOO?!  i don't doubt it.  that's how the bride works or organizations who attempt at modeling the image of the bride.  I'LL HAVE ANOTHER SHOT!  everybody else in this world is worth being alive.  NOT ME!  obviously.  it is always a happy valentines day for the empty and never for me, who is spited for being full of himself.  i am full of the Glory!  He rests in me while i crash effortlessly!  ANOTHER SHOT!!  my love is real because real love is fake.  LAST CALL!!  i bet this will get deleted because i speak my feelings of truth ...... pissssssss offffffffffffffffffffff

i aM todaY

today i am still.

today i am still me.

today i am still alive.

today i am still me being who my Creator made: me.

today i am still all of me.

today i have realized my value neither changed or changes me.

today i have always been whom i was created to be: me.

today i lost none of me.

today i gained the same as me.

today i equal yesterdays and tomorrows me.

today i still saw me.

today i welcomed me.

today i honored me.

today i was there for me.

today i was there with me.

today i tried to stay here in the now.

today i tried to see the new.

today i saw more of the no.

today is like every other day.

today is not me. yet

i am today.

still.

me.

alive.

separation

dear Jurnei!

i am full of the head aches.
i have enjoyed 2 hours of this morning SO MUCH and the enjoyment is seeping away from my being.
twill take a long long long time to be completely disapated but the scratching away of it is what pains me.
my eye lids are so heavy, filling with lava.

M, i love your being.  i love your attitude!  it is so refreshing and reassuring!  it sings of joy!

your eyes glow a glow so alluring, transient, and calming ..... .....

Jurnei, refresh our hearts.
keep mine aglued to Yourz.
Trinity!  i rarely get befriended by one who is so sweet and caring and loving!
and her precious flavor is peeled away from me.
i memorize her smile for it is amazing!
and i praise You for that.
i praise You for her.
i praise You for life!
i praise You for her life!



serenity sweep away my sorrow and sing soothingly for me.

please don't ever divide our friendship to the realms of forgotten.

may i rest in peace ... ... ... .. .. .. . . .

two missing months

October and November i am sorry i lost you.
you are two of my favorite times of the year and we were separated.
our time together last year was gray and dismal due to circumstantial traps.

life could have ended.
death could have entered.

time, the envelope, opened up.

new sources?  new details?  new players?
yes to one of those questions.  and yet, i must refocus!

to see the answer to "why am i still here" i must FOCUS!

but on what?!  who?!  why?!

this is a "new year" but the questions remain.  unanswered.

and i feel they laugh at me.

oh this game ... ... .........