seeing dark

Jurnei,

whether i end from the beginning

or if i start from the ending,

the swirl is no more comfortable.

the spinning to no where is driving me insane.

i see flashes of "fun"

and then the lights are gone.

like sparklers in a light beginning of a spring shower.

and there is so much haze,

and fog,

and the smell is fine,

but after a while,

it gets old.

gray old.

barely living to live is not what living is supposed to be about.

4 weeks of trite coverage is not sustaining.

4 hours in 1 day out of 365 days really is not sustaining.

enjoyable, yes.

but the memories flash away like sparklers.

glows of sudden glory have again, been overcome by the darkness that surrounds me,

is in me,

fills me,

seeps from me,

hummms at me,

IS me.

i was Light before April.

or was i?

4 weeks, we'll see or i won't see . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

i'd rather die tryin' than live dyin'

i'd rather die tryin' than live dyin'.  

Jurnei,

take away my efforts

of the present:

from the past:

in the future.

for they are futile.

maybe it's the feeling like i have to

"overcome"

the disdains, all the time.

the visions of scorn.

10 years of that plus an added year before that.

it hurts so much.

it kills me that they won.

"she" won because her family won.

i have the freedom, yes, but it feels like freedom to lose?

it really still does not feel right.

my songs to praise You are not heard.

my heart to cry is muzzled.

my soul in hell is muffled.

show me the way to rescue it.

is it by simple praise?

just praise?

pure?

praise?

i must keep singing it, i suppose.

so my dungeon kept soul will just hummm the echoes of it as the shackles are being unlocked.

is that what i vizited years ago?

hmmmmmm

HOWLZ to the LOST

right now, i am and have been very very lost ...

lost in thought ...

lost in meaning ...

lost in nature ...

lost in life ...

lost in death ...

lost in hate ...

lost in love ...

each second i am now "living" or dying, whatever, i don't want.

my swelling mind is searching for escape ...

the means for escape ...

any reasons for escape ...

i am questioning the decisions i find myself making or wanting to make because i feel like those are decisions to do somethings right or not wrong.

my mind is swollen from the last 16/36 years of being filled with sugar coated guilt and shame and slander that i am full of sin because that is how You made me.

my escape will soon be complete.

soon may equal 2 years or 200 years.

i trust no one.

i want to trust few.

i want to trust the "10".

but then ... do i really?

my escape seems to only be made by plunging into the depths of darkness ...

"hell", what or where ever that is in relation to reality

or propaganda.

i goal one!

it would be nice to be accompanied by others who believe and trust in what they believe ...

but even i do not believe "they" exist or have the capacity.

it will just be what it is.

the window frames in time.  this is now, frame 1.

long is the way through the dimensions of passages, many they are and may and will be.

i goal one.

trust no one.

but me

for i am a zero.

i am not the one.

i am not the savior.

i am just doing and being who and what none else will:

aware.

howllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

new leaf

ok Jurnei,

my head is still clouded clouded clouded.  don't know if it is residual steam or new steam or clearing fog or thunder or dust smitten?  my brain just aches ... ... ...

i don't believe it is due to loss anymore, i think it is not understanding the loss.  i know You "give" and You "take" away ... ... ... so how is Your name blessed by that.  i can not bless.  others are no different.  i am not blessed by my own means.  i am though blessed from whatever company i keep.

i am befriending someone and they are so valuable to You Jurnei.  i know it.  i can see it.  it matters not if they are valuable to me, maybe because i don't feel valuable to me.

and no, i do not believe i am attempting to be hypocritical.  i find it easier to debase myself, especially if it is unknowingly lifting someone else up.

religion, every sunday, says i am nothing.  so i am living it.  everyone else is something and someone.  to most, i feel as no one.  to few, i do not know.  to some, maybe.

at least this month has begun brighter than it has in the past.

and yet, i still feel self trapped in that past of darkness.

is that where i belong?  will i ever escape it?

i will only retreat from it with my fellow fallen ones.

maybe that is why i am so dismal.

please March light shine on and refill the barren ... ... ... ... .. .. .. .. . . . .