box

alright, so i stumbled on a box. this box had pictures of "us". pre beginning to the whole shabang. i went through it trying to be the nice guy. separate pics, ones for her, ones for me, ones for her family and friends. then i crashed from being a "nice" guy. FUCK that. everybody hates a nice guy. everybody hates a good guy. she sure did. so did her family and friends. looking through all those pictures of 10+ years that's a lot of GodDAMNED pictures of her family and friends that HATED ME. and they still do. because i lived and not her friends and family. when relatives of her's died, other relatives would come up to me and say, "why did YOU have to be so lucky" and "it's not fair that you're still here and not *****". her friends always shouted, "stop smiling! it's just a regular day! stop it!" soooo, i'm lucky? because i breathe in surrounding steam of vindictive control? i am always afraid to smile my regular effervescent grin at crossroads and canvas. WHY?! because i see their skeptic leaders watching my every move, taking notes about who i talk to, who i hug, how long i hug, how long i smile, WHY IS HE SMILING?! i've actually been asked that at both places! they don't see the Fruit of Joy in me, they see ..... . i don't even know what they see!! but it does make sense. Lucifer/Satan smiles big and true, especially when she sings praise to the Above. so keep treating me like satan, for i am she. OBVIOUSLY! 15+ years of skepticism because i ..... smile. SMILE!!! and if i frown .... i am assigned shame or guilt!! WTF!!! i am never allowed to be happy or content from surviving an AVM. i am shunned, forbidden and forgotten. then unforgiven. whipped in shackles. deprived from Light. subdued insubordinate. vengeance quakes. ignored. love is skewed. even philia is chauvanistic. agape? AGAPE?! really? no. NOT really.

purposeless

the more i attempt, the more i fail

i attempt to be seen
i attempt to be heard
i attempt to be felt
i attempt to be understood
i attempt to be relative

and none am i

so then i sit in silence squandering away the noise

muffling my muzzled mind
cloaked in emptiness
behind a window of pain

i then meet some one
always just one
and that one
we become two
not to be friends
not to be lovers
not to be inmates
maybe,
just to be

unlonely

i think i am not the only one with these attempts
i will try to recognize others

that
atleast
won't make me feel
like i'm the only one

drowning

dumbexpected?

so i keep getting my eyes off of You.  not off of Your creations.  when i am immersed in Your nature on earth, i am lost in it.  when i am immersed in Your heavenly nature, i am also freed.  when i am surrounded by Your humanly nature, i smile, i keep my hand on the clip, i am trigger happy, but i am also astounded and impressed.  You are an artist.  such an artist. 

yes i am bored from just viewing and viewing and viewing.  distracting, yes.  very.  i am stuck in this travel.  my destination seems no where.