silences found hurtfull

jurnei,

i .... .... don't .... ..... know .... .....  how to suppress. ..... these truths i am coming to find out.

by accident ...

by surprise ....

i do not like being lied to

and it keeps happening again

and again

and again

and again

and again

and again

and again.

i can not trust any one.

i close my eyes and i just balance on nothingness

a hollow core of pressure.

jurnei, why has this happened!?

i

goal

one

there is not such a thing as "friendship" either

i would rather be hated than loved to just be lied to.

what is worse is i am both.

and for no reason except for being "me".

jurnei,

seriously, 

what did i do to be cursed?!

accursed to be set up for the mockery of silence

i bare no semblance of stability right now after finding out,

what i just found out,

that's been hidden in hopes that i never find out?!

jurnei,

i will never enter your kingdom because i will never trust those who know who set me up for pain and say nothing.

is that not contempt?!

is that not injust?!

only my birth was.

or my choice for coming back.

into a life of death.  or seen non existence.

jurnei,

please reboot me so i will forget all the wrong that is being done to me and for all the wrong that i must be for just being me.

or ... ... pull the plug

i can't believe what i have just found out!

no threat

Jurnei,

i really dislike knowing that these past 15 years threatened my being.

by religion.  by religious leaders.  by emptiness.

Jurnei, it does anger me.

i don't like having one good day out of 15.

when i was with You, i had 21 great evenings and mornings out of 21.

and this is what i asked to come back into?

reminders of why i should be dead?!

reminders from ecclesia everywhere i turn.

Jurnei, happiness is no where here but within.  and that too is deadening.

this is a different christmas but still all the same.

lonely without You.

a wasted last 15 years.  she wasted 10 of them.  and if i wasted it too, that is 25 wasted years within 15!

can You relight that?  can You rekindle what has turned to ash?

just sweep me away, Jurnei.

i am very angry again Jurnei.

my life was threatened and she just stood by!!!

eyes everywhere

(Jurnei i wrote this almost 2 or 3 years ago.  i believe the elements of my future's purpose and path are in these words of my past)

if i were to close my eyes, is my departure in vain? would it be in defense? does the thought of that imply an offense on my part? is it an act of selfish humility in need of subtle attention by soft ghosts? apparitions perish to the open viewer, one or all.

if i were to simply close my eyes, is my resistance to evidential truth really so abrasive to onlookers as to deserve signals of neglect? whispers of negligence barricading the cast away just enough so that the ripples murmur into non existence; the point of nothing forgotten.

if i were to softly close my eyes, is my refrain from blistering voice which is the choice for a blistering domain, so hard to figure out?

if i were to close my eyes, i still will not silence my persecutors. i see them with eyes open, their dark quite visible to the inner light. i see them with eyes closed, quietly stalking my every response; these quiescent sloths replicating what they have no means of empathy-coating.

there will be no allotment for dictatorship and by my means, whether necessary or obligatory, it will be what it will naturally be. recompense is karma. karma re-shines. shine on! God shine on!

i’ll open my eyes to that! at least You All see me free.

j

tally no keep

so Jurnei,

this is what you are telling me again.

and again.

and it will continue to need to be

again . . . 

"i am not my record of losses".

Jurnei,

what exactly does that mean or look like?

especially in relation to "wins"?

i don't want to look at life as win/lose 

although

i realize the many "lose" ings.

i lose respect for people, masses, individuals, etc. who are indifferent

i lose my composure

(when i feel set up to be mocked)

i lose my temper

(when i feel set up to blow or go crazy)

i lose my mind

(when i feel set up to fail)

and i HAVE been set up.

yet, this time around,

in relation to my de ja,

the set up is by my demons.

envious they are.

and also yet, it is not their fault.

Jurnei,

i praise You for You never set me up for anything.

not for glory

not for fame

not for splendor

those belong to You.

You also don't hold me up as if i can't stand, for I can do all things, by Your example, by Your model.

You always allow me to pick myself up when thrown down.

You always fill me with Truth when i feel emptied by lies.

You always surround me with Hope 

when i feel bombarded by discouragement.

i smagrin Jurnei.

i smagrin.

because ... ... ... i am knowing more clearly and readily what is taking place.

meeting and remeeting on our path Jurnei.

reconnections for You and Your forever family,

the Origin.

sing

dance

hummm

i shall . . . and still . . .

i smagrin

x

JURNEI!!!

LET ME LEAVE THIS PLACE!!!!

NOW!!!!

I DO NOT BELONG HERE!!!!

I CAUSE TOO MUCH PAIN!!!!

I CAUSE TOO MUCH UNFORGIVENESS!!!

AND I NEVER MEAN TOO!!!!

NEVER DID!!!!

NEVER DIED!!!!

SHOULD HAVE THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE BEAUTIFUL PHRASE OF TRUTH,

"I SHOULD BE DEAD"

x

scales

♫ ♫ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♪ ♪♪♪

jurnei,

my melody,

music seems to be my calling.

or is she calling me to be her's?

currently, i am with her,

pre planned, i am with her,

post positioned, i am in her.

i am always drawn to her.

up and down her scales,

smoothly rubbing her,

pressing her,

fingers pressing hard then soft then hard then soft.

when she hummms her sound causes me to smagrin.

trills tickle her soul.

♫ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

i smagrin

aghast

Jurnei!!

i ... ... can't ... ... reason right now ...

You know what tomorrow is ... ...

You know how i am not believing my contract ... ...

... ... ... ... ...

You also know how ... a ... flat line ... i am seriously wanting ...

i can't even keep my eyes open without swelling 

when they're closed the vibrations of anxiety and pulsations of 

loneliness engulf me!

10 years Jurnei!

10 YEARS!!  and all for naught!

Jurnei,

You know how damaging this is to my aura now.

i didn't even have to do my best to never lust after another soul or mind or heart or body!

i never had to do my best at being so faithful in my many work places and ministries and heart.

but,

maybe i dressed her in royalty.

something she was not.  none of us are.

maybe i did view her as my idol of worship,

although i know,

or i thought,

i did not.

Jurnei,

she is not compassionate.

she is full of duty, yes, maybe an honor for her,

but duty is compassionless

and

compassion is without duty.

we did not fair well.

Jurnei,

should i have been the one to give up so easily?

am i still longing for something, someone, who will never be?

is my fight or battle with my guardian angels?

should i give more freedom to my demons?

i want to!  i want to!!  i want two!!!  i want more!!!!

they are telling me more truths.

maybe because they are paired with her's or her family's.  

we all have them, fighting these guardian angels of ours.

the angels don't speak truth.

and they can't speak from experience or understanding,

unlike the wraiths.

aghast i am,

hungry i am for self vengeance.

i am my own cause for my own defeat.

but i will win something.

never someone, it should never be.

i don't want to ponder anymore,

"i should never be or ever have been".

a tough day and night Jurnei,

and it isn't even tomorrow .... .... .... .... ... ... ... .. .. .

still floating .000015

Jurnei

i am still heavily in the phase of "trust no one".

i don't like that.

this week you have supplied good new friends.

caring friends.

i want to respond in the same way

but not overwhelmingly.



the words for my music lately are serious,

they have meaning.  i don't know if the words are just what are screaming from my soul

or scratching to get out of my heart.  but a beautiful record they play.


i also don't know if a new chapter in my life is being written

or choreographed

or illustrated

but i'm taking it in and watching, viewing, the making.

i want to feel like i have a hand in it,

but i know that leads to a feeling of "control" which i tried to master,

completely,

in my past.



i didn't create my past and i didn't create my future.

i am the new creation created by entity elsewhere.

it is what i do with this new creation, that i am, that will either

close the gaps or move past the gaps or heal the gaps.



the healing is consuming.



Jurnei,

you know my heart of the past wants something .... .....

that words can not utter ... ....

descriptions mean nigh ... .... ....

maybe it is my heart of the future that that wants to escape:

the present

the past.



when will the peace be softening?

when will i trust instead of living by human faith?

when will i feel real connection

and not be discarded.

there is connection . . . . . .

real . . . . . is the test . . . . . the key . . . .  .



i miss "her" and guilt has replaced who once was . . . . . . . . . . .



however, yes, and true, You All are with me,

forever

and

now

k

thanks Jurnei,
nice hour long walk and talk.
it could have lasted longer.
it seemed it did.

i need to remove the barriers.
i will knock them down and away.
whether they be personal or emotional or metal
they have to get out of the way

to allow newness in.

to allow You in.

to allow Life in

and to allow me to get out

to meet Life.

my barriers are filled with what was never meant to be

mine

shame

abuse

embarrassment

guilt

stacked upon stacked upon stacked

oncewas

Jurnei,

Your presence was ever so realized one week ago.

why does it seem distance has shown itself?

and taking it's place in our presence is "hate" and reminders of what i was and was.

loved and hated.

rich and poor.

proud and humble.

confident and unabashed.

i feel i was hurt so much tonight Jurnei.

please just calm my anger.

peel away it's mask.

uncloak my heart so that it can move again according to peace.

tonight ... ... ...

it's been a while since feeling this way.  

i suppose, that's a good thing, Jurnei.

love

look then look now look when

Jurnei

i try to not

but i can not

still i will not

although i have done

and still do

yet

no more i want to.

my future is such a mist of darkness

a cloud of suffocating air.

i can not form it or formulate it or formalize it.

i don't know if i should hope to this future,

to what ever future,

is it mine?

i relent to gasp for the thin air of what ever future it is.

it seems the best i should do

for me

right now

is continue to see my present time.

my present of time.

the current.

days are much better

along

with the evenings and midnights.

but i don't want to look at the present either.

because i have nothing to account for.

maybe being me

who You created

yet,

even to myself, i am unacceptable.

so i still will focus on Who is acceptable

still,

when shall i heal from this?

blind

Jurnei,

my eyes want to smile.  tiresome they crawl.  they try to roll open and stay.

my head rolls one way and then another and then again the same.

beneath my eyes, that see no definitive movements or stances,

is a clear solid ground that i stand upon.

i do thank You that i am not swamped.

that i am not crushed.

that i am not pressed anymore.

i am still persecuted by the figments though.

i am on this open open open road with no Three but You.

Your music draws me closer and mine as well.

Our words, our reflections from each other will be for each other.

For no one else.

helpful They may be, but the choice to be positive and stay positive remains theirs.

and mine.

and You,

are.

i have always seen that about You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .



eye smagrin

Trenches

Jurnei,

I still feel very much in the trenches.

Maybe by my own staying?

I come out every once in a while, but I feel protected from the bombardement of "no one really likes you"!!

But, I trust You do, Jurnei.

I don't know how You or how I allow You to get me to be amongst the living?

Am I one of they?

Insertions of significance come every now and then.  But placebo like they feel.  Uppers.

Falling victim to any belief is draining, sleeping me awake.

Jurnei, when I was with You, I knew my importance.  Here, it is fleeting.  And fading.

Sure, it fades to Starlight, but so far reaching away from my grasp it becomes.

I wish I could fly there, too.

Maybe tonight?

aze

an absolutely awesome amazing amounted afternoon assembled across affirmations after affirmations announced as agreements and "alright"!  

anxieties adhered anent axioms.  

apprehension ascended and ascending all  away awaiting another accompaniment and attitude affluent as approval and acceptance and accordance.  

an acquiescence amenable and anon amicable and anon amiable and anon admirable.  

aces!

muzic to heal

the muzic is healing ... .. .

the soundz ... .. .

the clickz ... .. .

the tempoz ... .. .

the rhythmz ... .. .

the crescendoz ... .. .

the diminuendoz ... .. .

the tapz ... .. .

the slidez ... .. .

the deep bass ... .. .

the wordz ... .. .

the hummmz ... .. .

the nodz ... .. .

the slapz ... .. .

the pluckz ... .. .

all dedicated to You ... .. .

unrejected

Jurnei, i wrote this song for You.  You mean so much to me.

unrejected

I wanna know that Your love will over whelm me and Your grace is a home to welcome me and not imprison me.

I wanna see You running to me because You’ve missed me. 

You’ve set a place at Your table. You’re still smiling! But I am crying.

I wanna hear that Your forgiveness cost me nothing. You’ve paid my way in. 

Shouts of, “We’ve missed you, it’s been so long". I’ve missed You All.

I wanna feel I’m no more empty filled with acceptance. Enourmous 4’s to hold on tight. 

You hold my hands then show me Yours.

I wanna be who You say I am: Fearfully made and Wonderfully too. 

You are the Potter. I am the clay. A broken vessel.

You take my guilt (I am set free: a new creation). You take my trash, ‘tis no more mine. 

Am I worthy to be Yours? I am.

I am unrejected! I am unrejected! I am unrejected! I am unrejected!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqK4BBKIMhY

balance

Jurnei,
is there a balance between acceptance and rejection?  or is it one or the other?
please don't feel i rejected You.
please don't feel that my wanting to come back to life was rejecting the life i was living with You.
i remember the many many times since transferring back to this 3rd dimension i wanted to bring friends into Your presences.
but did i ever get distracted from "beauty personified in red"?

many were alluring but only one caught my heart.
and now that one has severed the artery.

Jurnei,
did i, why did i make the mistake of letting myself get distracted, get pulled away?  i know the word, "infatuation" is relevant.  but was it a sin?

"No"

then why do i feel punished because of it?

"You are not.  No punishment will over come; come close; compete, to the Truth of where your home already is.  With Us.  Even right now, you are with Us.  Your mistakes aren't with Us, not now, never were, never will be.  And they are not with you.  They don't become you.  You don't become them.  Who We have the blessing to reveal We admire, We approve, We address, We ordain.  We honor.  Always have.  Always Always Always will".

So, Jurnei, You don't disapprove of my mistakes, and many they are?

"Rhetorical question"?

yes.

"We have anointed you in Our presence.  You know.  You KNOW.  Believe what you know.  Just believe what you know".

"We embrace you".

i know.

"Believe it".

i do.

noy

i was gonna ask "why do you love me" jurnei but instead i want to just say "thanks"

you are good to me when i don't expect it.

you are there for me when i'm not ready for it.

you hope the best for me when i feel i don't deserve it.

you surround me in love and love and love.

ONLY YOU

JURNEI

ONLY YOU CAN PRODUCE THE HEALING IN ME.

ONLY YOU CAN SOFTEN MY HARD FEARS.

ONLY YOU CAN BRING SELF ESTEEM FROM SELF PAIN.

ONLY YOU CAN BAPTIZE MY MIND IN REASON.

ONLY YOU CAN SUPPORT MY UNKNOWN FUTURE.

ONLY YOU CAN CAUSE NEW BESTS.

ONLY YOU CAN SHOW ME HOW TO BOW IN TOTAL ADORATION.

ONLY YOU CAN MEMORIZE THE LINES TEARS FLOW DOWN.

ONLY YOU CAN UNDERSTAND MY SHAME AND ERASE IT.

ONLY YOU CAN GIVE ME HOPE.

ONLY YOU.

ONLY YOU.

ONLY YOU.

ONLY YOU CAN FILL MY DREAMS.

ONLY YOU CAN APPROVE MY EFFORTS.

ONLY YOU CAN DISSIPATE MY STORMS.

ONLY YOU CAN BREATHE IN MY LUNGS THE DEPTHS OF BREATH.

ONLY YOU CAN SHINE MY SMAGRIN.

ONLY YOU.

ONLY YOU.

ONLY YOU.

ONLY YOU CAN SHOW ME THE HEIGHTS OF PEACE.

ONLY YOU CAN SHOW ME THE DEPTHS OF JOY.

ONLY YOU CAN FLOAT ME IN FOREVER.

ONLY YOU CAN BETTER ME TO PERFECTION.

ONLY YOU CAN ACCEPT ME IMPERFECT.

ONLY YOU CAN LOVE THE ENTIRETY OF ME.

ONLY YOU CAN DO WHAT ONLY YOU CAN.

ONLY YOU.

ONLY YOU.

ONLY YOU.

good

good

good people

good friends

good healing

good food

good memories

good new

good news

good music

good poetry

good lyrics

good days

good evenings

good conversations

good scripture

good attention

good detail

good forgiveness

good for me

good enough

good

miseu

jurnei,

you know alot of what is going on in me

from around me

because of what is with out me.

this healing is a newer version of healing.

this is going to work.

for me.  

because ... for me ...

"this has never been done before".

i chuckle at that positivity.  he he

i smagrin.  with Your healing, jurnei, help me notice what is being healed for there is so much that needs it.

my head.

my heart.

my soul.

my will.

my aura.

i am a new creation.  these newnesses of me, i trust will be used for the first time, meaning, maybe i never used those before, the way they were supposed to be?  

i am fearfully and wonderfully made.  You confirm that.

i trust You, jurnei.

and thank You, jurnei, for those you are placing in my life right now and forever more.  bless them for their patience and kindness.  

so much, they are.  

this time around is truly "remarkable".

4 give?

so help me jurnei,

"forgiveness is not ok-ing something that is not right.  

it is saying i will withdraw myself from what's not right and put 

myself in what is"?

now that i have been withdrawn, 

or set apart,

or if i set myself apart,

and if you are righting the wrongs that were done in me,

to me,

around me,

will i be repaired to one whom is right?

i know, i know,

"focus and heal".

focus right.  heal right.

but it is taking so much time . . . ....... and wearing this thick cloak 

of loneliness, and hoisting this duffle bag of shame, which 

should not be, is tiresome.

and it's raining out side right now.

i guess that's not too bad.

jurnei,

usurped was what i thought was love.

please refill me with Yourz.  

shine my outer coating with 

smiles of me

smiles from You

smiles from me

smiles of You.

my trepidatious timing is wondering.

keep adding to my time spent with You.  

slow

jurnei,

please slow the world down.

i know i have 700+ years to live,

i would love for it to feel like 700+ years.

heal.  

me.

focus.

me.

jurnei

immerse myself in

scripture to use as

my blanket

my skin

my clothing

my armor

i doll no more

thank you jurnei, for subtly telling me in my daydreams of reconstruction that 'just because i think i honor an old idol by memory or memorial doesn't make it honor'.  

it is an idol!

jurnei, i will need some assistance with the removal of that idol.  i have books and books and albums and poems and song and story and scripts and audio and video of her.  idols are to be brought down when they become and idol.  not only when the attempt is to replace the Overseerz but when "it" is conceptualized.  

this is what you are telling me, eh?  jurnei, you know this will be tough because i had alot of stock in her.  10 years worth since awakening.  but, you should have always been the reality of my investments.  only you payback outstanding dividends.  

idols never payback or reward the worshipers, do they?  neither do godless prophets or prophetesses.  help me destroy the tie.  that binds.  it's slavery.  

idols don't even say thank you when song and dance is before them.  idols don't smile or nod in approval.  idols don't bless and they observe in utter silence, the disrespect of inanimate.  idols soak up our lust and my idol soaked up mine.  a good thing.  my lust is dried and calloused.  

jurnei, only you can soothe me.  and you hummm to my orchestration.  

tonight i sing a song i wrote for you.  

"i won't ever be in the dark cause now i can see You"!

Jurnei,

thank you for the rest with you.

thank you for reminding me to focus on you.

to dream of you.

to dream with you.

to dream in you.

when i wake with you, i am more refreshed than the day before.

you are with me always.

you are with me now.

tomorrow, i will remember when i was with You.

but i can't and won't solidify myself in that moment of time.

i carry on.  i move on.  you pick me up.  you lead me through my future.

whether or not this healing is un noticed,

it is what is.  and You and i are together.

you are my stability, Jurnei.

thank You.

enable

good morning jurnei

my sleepless nights

with you

are less and less and less and less

peace:

restoration is only futuristic.

closure does not exist, right?

i searched for it in vain.

i sought it for selfish gain.

my need for it

seems to out weigh the proven weight of

TRUTH,

in that individual experience

is 

individual reality.

dream is neither experience or reality

thus it's so called truth is fantasy.

it can never be proven,

just assimilated

or imitated.

it is a group or self fulfilling prophesy.

there is more truth in what we can not currently

see,

taste,

touch,

smell,

or hear

than in what we 

instantly manifest,

or presently long for,

or continuously dream up,

or selfishly expect,

or sometimes hope for,

or at most times demand,

and at rare times fervently pray for,

and at all times,

simply are ready for,

prepared for,

and/or accustomed to.

this Truth is not hidden, 

it is simply dimensional.  

jurnei, there is Truth everywhere and my eyes want to see only the truth, yet, alas,

those senses are so strong in me,

holding on to the longing.

i suppose knowing how the feeling is, 

how captivating, yet,

elusive,

can assist me in seeing the struggles others will have,

and do have, 

in understanding the feeling.

and overcoming the continuous feeling of 

chasing after that rabbit.

THAT is what distracts.

THAT is what dismays.

but, jurnei, it gives me something to ponder,

to recon.  

my walk is not to reconvene with only You, is it?

my path is not to re-converse with only me, either, 

is it?  again and again and again ...

my trail is not about what is laid before me

or what was laid behind me, is it?

because no matter the rabbit trails, my path is eternal.

maybe those rabbit trails are to revisit?

please please please jurnei,

re-position me.

enablement: proceed . . . . . . . . . . . .

March 25, 2013 : passion principle

so jurnei, 
you are still here.  always have been.  always will be.  

it's beautiful how you keep lifting my heart just by reminding me of my talents and gifts.  i am digital.  

thank you for the blessings in my life.  the short times in meetings with friends who remain friends, some the best of best friends.  

thank you for the gift of communication.  its art.  its you.

jurnei, is it really going to be so long for this healing?  

"till you return back Home"

does healing bring out those who find value in me?  

"yes"

but i don't see them.

"they are allowing you time to rest and heal"

but,

"no. quiet yourself. please. the more you stress, the more you stress"

jurnei, HOW DO I REFILL MYSELF?  AGAIN?  you remember me asking you to heal me before, a decade ago!  did i fill myself with the wrong fillers?  how can i tell?  

"they weren't the wrong fillers.  passion is not a wrong filler.  right now, fill yourself with principles.  you can't depend on passion.  you can depend on principle"

i am filled with so much passion, though!  

"we know"

and principles!

"we know"

so,

"you know.  you KNOW"

never put passion before principle.  you told me that this past november, didn't you?

"you remember. but don't just remember or rely on a memory or memories.  act on it.  live out the principles and let the passions follow suit.  you still have alot to let go of.  that is part of the principle.  warriors don't go out to battle with duffle bags of baggage.  they don't go out to battle with duffle bags at all.  leave them behind.  and i know you want to do the "honorable thing" of proper storage, etc.  give your baggage to me, here and now.  it will allow your passage to be ..."

less stressful?

"was that a rhetorical question"?

was that?

"ha ha, answering a question with the same question.  nice"

so now what?

"as you would say, boom biddy bye bye.  and this ones for you: rest in peace"

ha ha nice jurnei.  can we talk about loss?

"in time"

in time, jurnei.  forever.  with you.  in time.  all the time .....

valiant

this is me: valiant.

Part of Speech: adjective

Definition: brave

Synonyms:  

adventurous, 

assertive, 

audacious, 

bold, 

chivalrous, 

courageous, 

dauntless, 

fearless, 

fire-eating, 

gallant, 

game, 

grand, 

great, 

gritty, 

gutsy, 

gutty,

heroic, 

high-spirited, 

indomitable, 

intrepid, 

lion-hearted, 

magnanimous, 

nervy, 

noble, 

plucky, 

powerful, 

puissant, 

redoubtable, 

self-reliant, 

spunky*, 

stalwart, 

steadfast, 

stout, 

stouthearted, 

strong-willed, 

unafraid, 

undaunted, 

undismayed, 

valorous, 

venturesome, 

venturous, 

vigorous, 

worthy

Antonyms: afraid, 

cowardly

March 16, 2013

Jurnei,
the long chain behind me,
feels less weighty.  so so much less.
my attempts of polishing something that tripped
me, hit me, wrapped me ... is feeling lighter and lighter .. ..
thank You Jurnei!  i must continue to look at you and hear your
direction, your orchestration, your muzic.  our muzic.  no matter the
silent shouts from about.  no matter the chuckles of shame.  i have to know
they are not You.  they don't come from You.  You make following You so easy.
i make it difficult.  because i feel the need to cling to my baggage.  but i didn't return here
burdened.  You returned me, unknowingly equipped.  what affects me, should not.  in more ways
than just one, two or society.  and i did not return with manic mania.  i have by acquisition.  Jurnei, i can
not carry it anymore.  we're headed back to forever and i will leave behind the sin that i never bore before.

so i can hold Your hand just in case i fall again. and again.  and again.  and again.  and again.  and again.  and

March 5, 2013 - zwe

Jurnei, 

it is not too late. 

It is never too late. 

It is never wrong.

It is always where we belong. 

It is magical. 

It is inspiring. 

It is albeit splendid. 

It is we.

February 26, 2013

Jurnei, you mezmerized me in my thoughts and dreams. i 

knew what you were showing me. i am scraping off the 

scabs of hurt. these old old dried scabs. thank you for 

telling me that i don't keep those scabs as reasons to 

resent. get rid of them i am. so many though. external and 

internal. is there someone new beneath the crusts? 

beautiful is a give in. gummyness is craving. bouncy? oh ya.

 but i gotta still take a chill pill. recovery is due. patience is 

new. both for me? i accept.

February 25, 2013

Jurnei, this night is decrepit. it is as empty as my non soul. it is as blank as forgivenesses forgiveness. i am nothing! bleak. putrid is my name, my being, my self to those called prayers. and pastors. the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth is comical to religious nay sayer's. damnable donkeys! support comes not from you Jurnei but from deacons that sit in the back row nodding off to pulpitized Truth whisperers! i imagine you hover hover hover hover hover but find no welcoming seat reserved for you. none with me. because i'm on trial by those that accuse, "you need help". i will accept their help, Jurnei. they offer no love. just diagnosis. no love. just prescription. NO LOVE! just shame. shame. spread within friends and without proof. Jurnei, they have stolen from me and still beg for more!!! more displacement! more discredit! more slander! in effort to laugh at stupid sunday family lunches for a meaningless cast away! throw away. thrown away. a way a way now new gardens plotted to wipe away another way out of my existence. my unsung Truth lays buried. and no, the realtors will not be judged or executed. just cute? "buy the way to delete the memory of this rotary phone named * * * * d" the throw back to being d'd one more freakin' time! let's return outta here again, Jurnei! NOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

February 16, 2013

Good upcoming morning Jurnei:-) 

we shall dine in the stars tonight! 

what shall you reveal to me again and again and again? 

the eyes? 

yourz? 

equal to mine. 

yet subdued due to visually painful reality, 

the opposite of where you and i are. 

when eye see the vision of you in face: my smile increases. 

when eye meet you newer each day: my grin widens. 

when eye hear your silent voice, 

your calm intermelodic tone, 

your expressive joy, 

and gladness, 

and burst of wonder for me, 

eye envision our splendor together! 

Jurnei, you don't see me full of sorrow because you have seen me full of joyful beauty as you once did always. 

you twinkle even in the depths of my day dreams and at the thunderlights of my nightmares. 

they tear through. 

but you do not disappoint. 

Tonight will be another glorious out shining morning with you!!