definition convo #1

"who defines you?", my shadow asked.

i replied, "everyone"?

"well, let's look outward toward the reflection of yourself, and ask,

"who defines your friends"?

the simple answer of truth: not you.

and not anyone else BUT your friends.

equally, the definition of yourself is penned only by yourself.

"friend" does not define you,

neither does "enemy".

"fathers" and "mothers", "aunts" "uncles" "grandparents"

"foster parents" do not define you.

"status": good or bad, does not define you.

"mistake" or "success" does not define you.

"expectation" by all, and even "expectation" by self does not define you.

your "greatest achievement" or your "worst failure" does not define you.

behind you, whether "trail of tears" or "shadows of laughter" does not define you.

"future hopes" you've laid down or

your "past of sorrow" dug up, does not define you.

acronyms of mental health do not define you.

comparisons of financial wealth does not define you.

what you see in a mirror does not define you.

and neither does what you don't see.

your definition is not permanent nor ever changing,

nor elusive to reality,

nor static to fantasy.

definition is just a word or jumble of words used as a filler, acting as "purpose".

definition matters to judge or jury and matters not to executioner.

definition matters to a Book of rules or memory.

definition matters to scars of tragedy or evidence to amputee.

yet, none of that Truly defines you".

i stopped grinding.  looked down and paused.  my fist opened and the stone, dry and rough, fell to the surface beneath me, near my nightly guardian.

money it

MONEY

why is life dependent on it?

success is based on it.

fortunes are monopolized by it.

safety is needed by it.

security is shackled in it.

status is compared by it.

relationships are divided by it.

lives are ended because of it.

love is fossilized in it.

trust is not earned from it.

faith is gambled for it.

marriages are ended because of it.

families float from it.

friends are embarrassed by it.

divorces are paid off by it.

counsel is weakened from it.

health is afraid because of it.

deaths are buried from it.

WHY JURNEI?

branson

HONEST ALERT!!

so, i have 4+ months left on my apt lease.  and i will sell whatever possessions that will not benefit me.  i might give my father my truck but if he sells it after finding out what i am going to do, then i won't.

once the end of October arrives, i will begin my trek southward.

i might stop in Branson for a while.  sleep under bridges or over passes.  lobby's?  foyers?

i don't know whether to head eastward or westward or just continue southward.

I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM THIS PLACE.

talk about spinning??  the wheels of my mind have been spinning since waking and i wish i never woke.

i feel like the only reason i am keeping myself alive is to appease my family.  for all their prayers.  for all their attention.  for all their "help".

i feel like the only reason i am alive is to fulfill the church's definition of "miracle".  for all their prayers "answered".  all their hopes "achieved".  but there is no work of theirs for who and what i am.  and that is why, to churches and to families, i am normal.

"really"?

Jurnei, i am so out of here in a hurry!