why can't i sense you?

Jurnei,

am i looking for You in moments?  in others?  in life?  in me?

in purpose?

are You there?  or are You me?

i have been so drained by joy tonight,

and i do not believe it was even real joy.

evenings and days of placebos.

i have been so usurped.  and it weakens my efforts.  to the point of decay.

i don't believe i am supposed to be here anymore.

bang

Jurnei

all thoughts of my future are of You

are in You

are with You.

those are what will arrive.

presently, my head just aches and throbs.

a callous sponge it is.

some thing is wanting to burst toward the glow.

Your original glow.

but then i remember those who are left in the dark.

and i want to find them.

show them tiz a game.

tis difficult to curl up a smagrin.

any moment of relaxation seems a waste.

but i want to rest so desperately.

so that the pounding may subside.

maybe tis a reverb of musical aura?

that would sound nice ... ... .... .... ... ..... . . ......... .. ........ ... .. . ... . . .

fearless dreamer

i just revisited a time from this past fall ...

"dreamers rarely fear" was the quote i took note of.

Jurnei, i believe i am getting back to dreaming.

i love living a life of no fear.

and You know that over the last 10 + years i was mocked for living with no fear.

ridiculed by certain families that resembled every other family.

attempted attempts to convict me to fear fear fear.

fear organizations.

fear relations and relationships.

fear out comes.

fear plans.

fear not having plans.

fear the unknown.

fear self.

fear death.

fear life.

JURNEI!!!  what is the deal with so much fear?!

fear does not deserve so much attention.

and i tried my best to ward it, to ignore it, but when i tried to feel included in the "game" of life, and when everyone was telling me to fear "losing" the game of life, i fell victim to the trap.

i took the bait.

well, Jurnie, i have puked up their tactics.  

that was a loss in the midst of many losses of mine.

again, i was told loss is fearful.

'tis not.

in my dreams there is no loss.

that is true Gain.

sure, in reality there may be much loss,

but i believe You have told me,

i lose nothing and yet if i lose everything,

i gain it all back.

this is an avenue of my dream.

nothing to fear in that.

cool Jurnei ....