aghast

Jurnei!!

i ... ... can't ... ... reason right now ...

You know what tomorrow is ... ...

You know how i am not believing my contract ... ...

... ... ... ... ...

You also know how ... a ... flat line ... i am seriously wanting ...

i can't even keep my eyes open without swelling 

when they're closed the vibrations of anxiety and pulsations of 

loneliness engulf me!

10 years Jurnei!

10 YEARS!!  and all for naught!

Jurnei,

You know how damaging this is to my aura now.

i didn't even have to do my best to never lust after another soul or mind or heart or body!

i never had to do my best at being so faithful in my many work places and ministries and heart.

but,

maybe i dressed her in royalty.

something she was not.  none of us are.

maybe i did view her as my idol of worship,

although i know,

or i thought,

i did not.

Jurnei,

she is not compassionate.

she is full of duty, yes, maybe an honor for her,

but duty is compassionless

and

compassion is without duty.

we did not fair well.

Jurnei,

should i have been the one to give up so easily?

am i still longing for something, someone, who will never be?

is my fight or battle with my guardian angels?

should i give more freedom to my demons?

i want to!  i want to!!  i want two!!!  i want more!!!!

they are telling me more truths.

maybe because they are paired with her's or her family's.  

we all have them, fighting these guardian angels of ours.

the angels don't speak truth.

and they can't speak from experience or understanding,

unlike the wraiths.

aghast i am,

hungry i am for self vengeance.

i am my own cause for my own defeat.

but i will win something.

never someone, it should never be.

i don't want to ponder anymore,

"i should never be or ever have been".

a tough day and night Jurnei,

and it isn't even tomorrow .... .... .... .... ... ... ... .. .. .

still floating .000015

Jurnei

i am still heavily in the phase of "trust no one".

i don't like that.

this week you have supplied good new friends.

caring friends.

i want to respond in the same way

but not overwhelmingly.



the words for my music lately are serious,

they have meaning.  i don't know if the words are just what are screaming from my soul

or scratching to get out of my heart.  but a beautiful record they play.


i also don't know if a new chapter in my life is being written

or choreographed

or illustrated

but i'm taking it in and watching, viewing, the making.

i want to feel like i have a hand in it,

but i know that leads to a feeling of "control" which i tried to master,

completely,

in my past.



i didn't create my past and i didn't create my future.

i am the new creation created by entity elsewhere.

it is what i do with this new creation, that i am, that will either

close the gaps or move past the gaps or heal the gaps.



the healing is consuming.



Jurnei,

you know my heart of the past wants something .... .....

that words can not utter ... ....

descriptions mean nigh ... .... ....

maybe it is my heart of the future that that wants to escape:

the present

the past.



when will the peace be softening?

when will i trust instead of living by human faith?

when will i feel real connection

and not be discarded.

there is connection . . . . . .

real . . . . . is the test . . . . . the key . . . .  .



i miss "her" and guilt has replaced who once was . . . . . . . . . . .



however, yes, and true, You All are with me,

forever

and

now