rest? not tonight ... .. .

dear Jurnei,

i have been in floods for the last 3 hours ....

and it is still ......

only 3:11 a.m. ......

it is cold .......

but my burden my grief my, ok, i'll say it, my sadness ......

i can't appreciate the cold.

i want to.

a cold hand.

a cold leg.

a cold foot.

a cold arm.

a cold heart?

within my racing, worn down mind, are the questions,

"what did i do wrong"?!

and now, already, another storm arises!!

i am heated by anger for myself

for my heart

for my attempts, failed,

at helping a loved one,

with her losses!

i can't figure it OUT!!!

i keep going over the times, the dates, the chances,

and behind the doors i see all her family that HATE ME because I AM THE ONE ALIVE AND NOT HIM!!!

churches that align cause and guilt to the living,

me,

who should have been dying,

me!

JURNEI!!

i don't want to hopelessly ask You again and again, anymore, to END MY life.

it has already ended.

and i am stuck with the living who don't even see the living.

i see them all around me!

and i thought, no, i believed i was one, too.

compassion to the wearisome?

dissipated.

Jurnei,

for some reason,

i am feeling all the hate of her family,

tonight,

and compiled from the congregations of her family,

who hate me and told me,

looked me straight in the face,

and said,

"why couldn't it have been you".

for 10 years,

for 8,

for 4,

for 2,

for 1,

i supported to the best i felt necessary.

i gave up all of me for "the vow".

i gave up all of me for "trust".

i gave up all of me for "justice".

i gave up all of me for "promise".

i gave up all of me for "duty".

i gave up all of me for "family".

i gave up all of me for "liturgy".

i gave up all of me for "strength".

i gave up all of me for "value".

i gave up all of me for "signs".

i gave up all of me for "forgiveness".

i gave up all of me for "I love you".

i gave up all of me for "peace".

i gave up all of me for "honor".

i gave up all of me for "invitation".

i gave up all of me for "empathy".

i gave up all of me for "mercy".

and what dividends have been allotted me?

blinking.

flickering.

chaffed.

dust in the wind.

fleeting.

vanished.

figment.

i am angry at myself, Jurnei, for letting things get bad.

to worse.

to gone.

to dead.

to my fault.

1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

"stop streams of warm confusion.  tis difficult to see".

my breathes are heavy.  shaky.  deep.

my chest quivers.

eyes wide open so early or late this morn or past evening.

lots of happiness 6 to 9 hours ago.

did i belong there?

the many MANY x's would SCREAM back at me,

and in my face,

"NO"!

i can't swim today, Jurnei.

lava sinks.  and when cooled, is worth nothing.

even hate is worth something.

but is it worth someone?

deep breathes, still blinking eyes, wandering.

"a yawn"?

"am i worthy of this allowance"?

oh, with pain, has it been afforded me.

this deadening thing called life.

i DID my best in being Your Light,

in helping her.

in comforting her.

in supporting her.

in encouraging her.

and all my truth, from Truth Yourselves, is buried with them,

the 1 and the other 1 and the other 1, and so on, and so on.

"Right" why are we "Wrong"?