why can't i sense you?

Jurnei,

am i looking for You in moments?  in others?  in life?  in me?

in purpose?

are You there?  or are You me?

i have been so drained by joy tonight,

and i do not believe it was even real joy.

evenings and days of placebos.

i have been so usurped.  and it weakens my efforts.  to the point of decay.

i don't believe i am supposed to be here anymore.

bang

Jurnei

all thoughts of my future are of You

are in You

are with You.

those are what will arrive.

presently, my head just aches and throbs.

a callous sponge it is.

some thing is wanting to burst toward the glow.

Your original glow.

but then i remember those who are left in the dark.

and i want to find them.

show them tiz a game.

tis difficult to curl up a smagrin.

any moment of relaxation seems a waste.

but i want to rest so desperately.

so that the pounding may subside.

maybe tis a reverb of musical aura?

that would sound nice ... ... .... .... ... ..... . . ......... .. ........ ... .. . ... . . .

fearless dreamer

i just revisited a time from this past fall ...

"dreamers rarely fear" was the quote i took note of.

Jurnei, i believe i am getting back to dreaming.

i love living a life of no fear.

and You know that over the last 10 + years i was mocked for living with no fear.

ridiculed by certain families that resembled every other family.

attempted attempts to convict me to fear fear fear.

fear organizations.

fear relations and relationships.

fear out comes.

fear plans.

fear not having plans.

fear the unknown.

fear self.

fear death.

fear life.

JURNEI!!!  what is the deal with so much fear?!

fear does not deserve so much attention.

and i tried my best to ward it, to ignore it, but when i tried to feel included in the "game" of life, and when everyone was telling me to fear "losing" the game of life, i fell victim to the trap.

i took the bait.

well, Jurnie, i have puked up their tactics.  

that was a loss in the midst of many losses of mine.

again, i was told loss is fearful.

'tis not.

in my dreams there is no loss.

that is true Gain.

sure, in reality there may be much loss,

but i believe You have told me,

i lose nothing and yet if i lose everything,

i gain it all back.

this is an avenue of my dream.

nothing to fear in that.

cool Jurnei ....

silences found hurtfull

jurnei,

i .... .... don't .... ..... know .... .....  how to suppress. ..... these truths i am coming to find out.

by accident ...

by surprise ....

i do not like being lied to

and it keeps happening again

and again

and again

and again

and again

and again

and again.

i can not trust any one.

i close my eyes and i just balance on nothingness

a hollow core of pressure.

jurnei, why has this happened!?

i

goal

one

there is not such a thing as "friendship" either

i would rather be hated than loved to just be lied to.

what is worse is i am both.

and for no reason except for being "me".

jurnei,

seriously, 

what did i do to be cursed?!

accursed to be set up for the mockery of silence

i bare no semblance of stability right now after finding out,

what i just found out,

that's been hidden in hopes that i never find out?!

jurnei,

i will never enter your kingdom because i will never trust those who know who set me up for pain and say nothing.

is that not contempt?!

is that not injust?!

only my birth was.

or my choice for coming back.

into a life of death.  or seen non existence.

jurnei,

please reboot me so i will forget all the wrong that is being done to me and for all the wrong that i must be for just being me.

or ... ... pull the plug

i can't believe what i have just found out!

no threat

Jurnei,

i really dislike knowing that these past 15 years threatened my being.

by religion.  by religious leaders.  by emptiness.

Jurnei, it does anger me.

i don't like having one good day out of 15.

when i was with You, i had 21 great evenings and mornings out of 21.

and this is what i asked to come back into?

reminders of why i should be dead?!

reminders from ecclesia everywhere i turn.

Jurnei, happiness is no where here but within.  and that too is deadening.

this is a different christmas but still all the same.

lonely without You.

a wasted last 15 years.  she wasted 10 of them.  and if i wasted it too, that is 25 wasted years within 15!

can You relight that?  can You rekindle what has turned to ash?

just sweep me away, Jurnei.

i am very angry again Jurnei.

my life was threatened and she just stood by!!!

eyes everywhere

(Jurnei i wrote this almost 2 or 3 years ago.  i believe the elements of my future's purpose and path are in these words of my past)

if i were to close my eyes, is my departure in vain? would it be in defense? does the thought of that imply an offense on my part? is it an act of selfish humility in need of subtle attention by soft ghosts? apparitions perish to the open viewer, one or all.

if i were to simply close my eyes, is my resistance to evidential truth really so abrasive to onlookers as to deserve signals of neglect? whispers of negligence barricading the cast away just enough so that the ripples murmur into non existence; the point of nothing forgotten.

if i were to softly close my eyes, is my refrain from blistering voice which is the choice for a blistering domain, so hard to figure out?

if i were to close my eyes, i still will not silence my persecutors. i see them with eyes open, their dark quite visible to the inner light. i see them with eyes closed, quietly stalking my every response; these quiescent sloths replicating what they have no means of empathy-coating.

there will be no allotment for dictatorship and by my means, whether necessary or obligatory, it will be what it will naturally be. recompense is karma. karma re-shines. shine on! God shine on!

i’ll open my eyes to that! at least You All see me free.

j

tally no keep

so Jurnei,

this is what you are telling me again.

and again.

and it will continue to need to be

again . . . 

"i am not my record of losses".

Jurnei,

what exactly does that mean or look like?

especially in relation to "wins"?

i don't want to look at life as win/lose 

although

i realize the many "lose" ings.

i lose respect for people, masses, individuals, etc. who are indifferent

i lose my composure

(when i feel set up to be mocked)

i lose my temper

(when i feel set up to blow or go crazy)

i lose my mind

(when i feel set up to fail)

and i HAVE been set up.

yet, this time around,

in relation to my de ja,

the set up is by my demons.

envious they are.

and also yet, it is not their fault.

Jurnei,

i praise You for You never set me up for anything.

not for glory

not for fame

not for splendor

those belong to You.

You also don't hold me up as if i can't stand, for I can do all things, by Your example, by Your model.

You always allow me to pick myself up when thrown down.

You always fill me with Truth when i feel emptied by lies.

You always surround me with Hope 

when i feel bombarded by discouragement.

i smagrin Jurnei.

i smagrin.

because ... ... ... i am knowing more clearly and readily what is taking place.

meeting and remeeting on our path Jurnei.

reconnections for You and Your forever family,

the Origin.

sing

dance

hummm

i shall . . . and still . . .

i smagrin