i aM todaY

today i am still.

today i am still me.

today i am still alive.

today i am still me being who my Creator made: me.

today i am still all of me.

today i have realized my value neither changed or changes me.

today i have always been whom i was created to be: me.

today i lost none of me.

today i gained the same as me.

today i equal yesterdays and tomorrows me.

today i still saw me.

today i welcomed me.

today i honored me.

today i was there for me.

today i was there with me.

today i tried to stay here in the now.

today i tried to see the new.

today i saw more of the no.

today is like every other day.

today is not me. yet

i am today.

still.

me.

alive.

separation

dear Jurnei!

i am full of the head aches.
i have enjoyed 2 hours of this morning SO MUCH and the enjoyment is seeping away from my being.
twill take a long long long time to be completely disapated but the scratching away of it is what pains me.
my eye lids are so heavy, filling with lava.

M, i love your being.  i love your attitude!  it is so refreshing and reassuring!  it sings of joy!

your eyes glow a glow so alluring, transient, and calming ..... .....

Jurnei, refresh our hearts.
keep mine aglued to Yourz.
Trinity!  i rarely get befriended by one who is so sweet and caring and loving!
and her precious flavor is peeled away from me.
i memorize her smile for it is amazing!
and i praise You for that.
i praise You for her.
i praise You for life!
i praise You for her life!



serenity sweep away my sorrow and sing soothingly for me.

please don't ever divide our friendship to the realms of forgotten.

may i rest in peace ... ... ... .. .. .. . . .

two missing months

October and November i am sorry i lost you.
you are two of my favorite times of the year and we were separated.
our time together last year was gray and dismal due to circumstantial traps.

life could have ended.
death could have entered.

time, the envelope, opened up.

new sources?  new details?  new players?
yes to one of those questions.  and yet, i must refocus!

to see the answer to "why am i still here" i must FOCUS!

but on what?!  who?!  why?!

this is a "new year" but the questions remain.  unanswered.

and i feel they laugh at me.

oh this game ... ... .........

continuum

all happy endings have an eternal continuum.  

it is this continuum that has reassured 

our beginning is about to happen.  

aGain.  and aGain.  to aGain.  for aGain.

the near end

Jurnei, i plead my case:

35+ years in religion that preached i have to earn happiness.  not happy about that.
16 years resurrected and still alive.  wanting to be happy about that.
15 years rejected by ecclasia.  not happy about that.
8 years married.  i was happy about that and i still am and it feels like i'm trying to look for the BAD times to justify the divorce.  not happy about doing that.
2.5 years a divorcee.  not happy about that.  but separated from the abuse: happy about that.
2 years an 11ad.  i am happy about that.
1 year with a young christian group.  happy about that.
10 days off my stupid ass drugs!  i am happy about that.
multiple christmasses with families, friends, loved ones and no one.  somewhat happy about that.
last christmas physically abused and scarred by love.  not happy about that.
christmas 10 years before that physically scarred and physically abused, also by love.  not happy about that.
this christmas emotionally still scarred.


NOW TIME: every fucking day i rise it is the demons of others that haunt me all day.
night exists not, for i find no sleep with the wicked.
night is beautiful but during the day there are wolves walking around in sheep's clothing.
they snore with the flock; growl at the weak and mock the un ordinary.

i am not a judge or a jury or an executioner.
my Trinity is the Jury and They commend me for standing my ground.
but Trinity will answer my requests and though my request be to get rid of the fakers, ha, that will not make me lonely.
i will rejoice when the pharisees are removed.
most will weep for their loss for it seems, to them, better to join the ranks of "the strong", the brute.  
i will be and AM weak in our Creators eyes.
and i find rest in that.
They provide my weaponry.
They promise victory.
the religions of this world will no longer intimidate me.
the powers are not greater.
the principalities will also never intimidate me.
they make their presence easily known.

if any, from our human race, sides with the wraiths you will be dealt with, immediately.  the end is near.

praises!

healthy for what

thank You Jurnei that
i walk.
i at least can walk, though i feel i limp, in which i do.
yet,
i walk.

i am still on this fossilized earth walking amongst the living.
barely for small amounts of time,
do i feel alive.

i do not want ..... ...... ........ ............. flattery to remind me.

sugar coating is poisonous.

i smile from offers,
yet,
my trust frowns.

i need, no, i truly want to smagrin for real.

as currently, i scowl.

head aches.

lips chapped.

eyes sore and dry.

hands vibrant.

arms rested.

life deals me what?  times to hope, i suppose.  hope to just RUN WITH THE WINDS!
and FLY BY THE WINDS!

my heart is strong, i notice that.  today, i realized it.
i want to realize it more when i wake.  when i slumber.

blood pump strong in my veins and arteries.

foot don't fail me.

Jurnei send me

SIGHTS

so my sights, the sights of my heart are tied to Trinity.

They lead me above over and over and over.

sure most times when this world snares me and drags me down, i just have to relax myself, my core, and become what i already am to this world: invisible.

when i am what i am to this cruel world of “impression” and “image” it becomes easier to just float away, through the discrimination, above the vengeance.

if i look downward, upon the roads i’ve tread, i see footsteps long gone and missing.

i see the beaten path, i feel the worn road, i take notice the sides set to beset and it saddens me.

the second i look upward to Them, almost instantly, i am rescued within Their Promises.

the sights of my mind are rampant within itself.

i scurry to and fro to make sense of loss and gain.

as i spin within my sharpened circles, the bleeding doesn’t offer soothing pain.

in a vacuum almost nothing can.

yet when i stare blindly, disappearance occurs not from the fog of dust bitten,

or elements of memories smitten.

the whispering Truth “it’s not your fault” wipes away lies of the past and what lies in, too.

the sights of my body seem to be recurring.

decayed scabs falling away, to the sides of emptiness.

their graves recapture them.

they are not my home yet invitations are made, often.

absolutely no body rests with the dead because the dead do not rest.

and what of the “Rest of Us”?

forever it is!  everyone with each other from times past with under times present dawning the times awaiting!

the revolutions of the Son are healing and re healing.

planting and re planting.

i choose to grow within my cylinders of Life.

the sights of my soul are protecting Who’s waiting for me.

’tis i.

i will meet you within Them.

i will greet you as You have greeted me all throughout life’s dreams and nightmares.

under all cycles of treatment, You have been present, with in my view.

You greet with reflective eyes that smile, “Good Day to you”.

the Day it is.

and Good it is.

many sights to sing all through out the galaxies of Light!

and the beautiful Eve hummms beneath the chorus . . . . .