healthy for what

thank You Jurnei that
i walk.
i at least can walk, though i feel i limp, in which i do.
yet,
i walk.

i am still on this fossilized earth walking amongst the living.
barely for small amounts of time,
do i feel alive.

i do not want ..... ...... ........ ............. flattery to remind me.

sugar coating is poisonous.

i smile from offers,
yet,
my trust frowns.

i need, no, i truly want to smagrin for real.

as currently, i scowl.

head aches.

lips chapped.

eyes sore and dry.

hands vibrant.

arms rested.

life deals me what?  times to hope, i suppose.  hope to just RUN WITH THE WINDS!
and FLY BY THE WINDS!

my heart is strong, i notice that.  today, i realized it.
i want to realize it more when i wake.  when i slumber.

blood pump strong in my veins and arteries.

foot don't fail me.

Jurnei send me

SIGHTS

so my sights, the sights of my heart are tied to Trinity.

They lead me above over and over and over.

sure most times when this world snares me and drags me down, i just have to relax myself, my core, and become what i already am to this world: invisible.

when i am what i am to this cruel world of “impression” and “image” it becomes easier to just float away, through the discrimination, above the vengeance.

if i look downward, upon the roads i’ve tread, i see footsteps long gone and missing.

i see the beaten path, i feel the worn road, i take notice the sides set to beset and it saddens me.

the second i look upward to Them, almost instantly, i am rescued within Their Promises.

the sights of my mind are rampant within itself.

i scurry to and fro to make sense of loss and gain.

as i spin within my sharpened circles, the bleeding doesn’t offer soothing pain.

in a vacuum almost nothing can.

yet when i stare blindly, disappearance occurs not from the fog of dust bitten,

or elements of memories smitten.

the whispering Truth “it’s not your fault” wipes away lies of the past and what lies in, too.

the sights of my body seem to be recurring.

decayed scabs falling away, to the sides of emptiness.

their graves recapture them.

they are not my home yet invitations are made, often.

absolutely no body rests with the dead because the dead do not rest.

and what of the “Rest of Us”?

forever it is!  everyone with each other from times past with under times present dawning the times awaiting!

the revolutions of the Son are healing and re healing.

planting and re planting.

i choose to grow within my cylinders of Life.

the sights of my soul are protecting Who’s waiting for me.

’tis i.

i will meet you within Them.

i will greet you as You have greeted me all throughout life’s dreams and nightmares.

under all cycles of treatment, You have been present, with in my view.

You greet with reflective eyes that smile, “Good Day to you”.

the Day it is.

and Good it is.

many sights to sing all through out the galaxies of Light!

and the beautiful Eve hummms beneath the chorus . . . . .

free to sing Your praise Most High

Jurnei,
i love You!
it was a tough day.
but You follow suit.
You fulfill Your Word.
Wordz of peace.
oh my adversaries were so envious last night,
weren't they?
i want them to know, not understand, because they can't understand,
they are bland.
not at fault for that.
but ......
they were so sooooo envious.
because i brought You praise!!!
and i will continue!!!!
and continue!!!!!
and continue!!!!

smagrin ........

thank You Jurnei

drooped eyes above a smagrin

You woke me Jurnei.

i needed to be.

i needed to be somewhere.

i needed to be somewhere this morning.

where i feel alive.

even while hidden

and disgraced for who i am,

You needed me,

 to be where You were this morn.

i thank You.

a good morning walk in the calm quiet air.

good talks Trin.

i listen.

i hear.

i nod.

i know what needs to be done.

rest? not tonight ... .. .

dear Jurnei,

i have been in floods for the last 3 hours ....

and it is still ......

only 3:11 a.m. ......

it is cold .......

but my burden my grief my, ok, i'll say it, my sadness ......

i can't appreciate the cold.

i want to.

a cold hand.

a cold leg.

a cold foot.

a cold arm.

a cold heart?

within my racing, worn down mind, are the questions,

"what did i do wrong"?!

and now, already, another storm arises!!

i am heated by anger for myself

for my heart

for my attempts, failed,

at helping a loved one,

with her losses!

i can't figure it OUT!!!

i keep going over the times, the dates, the chances,

and behind the doors i see all her family that HATE ME because I AM THE ONE ALIVE AND NOT HIM!!!

churches that align cause and guilt to the living,

me,

who should have been dying,

me!

JURNEI!!

i don't want to hopelessly ask You again and again, anymore, to END MY life.

it has already ended.

and i am stuck with the living who don't even see the living.

i see them all around me!

and i thought, no, i believed i was one, too.

compassion to the wearisome?

dissipated.

Jurnei,

for some reason,

i am feeling all the hate of her family,

tonight,

and compiled from the congregations of her family,

who hate me and told me,

looked me straight in the face,

and said,

"why couldn't it have been you".

for 10 years,

for 8,

for 4,

for 2,

for 1,

i supported to the best i felt necessary.

i gave up all of me for "the vow".

i gave up all of me for "trust".

i gave up all of me for "justice".

i gave up all of me for "promise".

i gave up all of me for "duty".

i gave up all of me for "family".

i gave up all of me for "liturgy".

i gave up all of me for "strength".

i gave up all of me for "value".

i gave up all of me for "signs".

i gave up all of me for "forgiveness".

i gave up all of me for "I love you".

i gave up all of me for "peace".

i gave up all of me for "honor".

i gave up all of me for "invitation".

i gave up all of me for "empathy".

i gave up all of me for "mercy".

and what dividends have been allotted me?

blinking.

flickering.

chaffed.

dust in the wind.

fleeting.

vanished.

figment.

i am angry at myself, Jurnei, for letting things get bad.

to worse.

to gone.

to dead.

to my fault.

1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

"stop streams of warm confusion.  tis difficult to see".

my breathes are heavy.  shaky.  deep.

my chest quivers.

eyes wide open so early or late this morn or past evening.

lots of happiness 6 to 9 hours ago.

did i belong there?

the many MANY x's would SCREAM back at me,

and in my face,

"NO"!

i can't swim today, Jurnei.

lava sinks.  and when cooled, is worth nothing.

even hate is worth something.

but is it worth someone?

deep breathes, still blinking eyes, wandering.

"a yawn"?

"am i worthy of this allowance"?

oh, with pain, has it been afforded me.

this deadening thing called life.

i DID my best in being Your Light,

in helping her.

in comforting her.

in supporting her.

in encouraging her.

and all my truth, from Truth Yourselves, is buried with them,

the 1 and the other 1 and the other 1, and so on, and so on.

"Right" why are we "Wrong"?

assigned a sign

Jurnei, good morning and good afternoon ....

thank You for our talk last night, in the brisk cool weather, thank You.

i am still at wonderment for what You have for me.

i work with good people and i am thankful to You for them. 

in all our weaknesses, please bless us, bless them, bless.

You have and continue to bless me.  for that, smagrin.

time is winding down Jurnei for the next chapter in my life.

i am thankful i have a next chapter. 

Jurnei, please help me, advise me, strengthen me, educate me to know what to say to those who feel they want to close the book on their life.  or feel their chapters are filled with doom and exile. 

i am so thankful to You for knowing and believing that i, we all, are accepted for who we ARE. 

the shame in my friend's stress filled lives is saddening. 

please lift their spirits, their beings, their aura's. 

this is my compassion to the wearisome and burdensome.

always has been.  always will be.

i love You Jurnei, my Trinity friend of all, to all, for all, with all.

assist me with these new revealing signs and clues and signals.  they're coming to me fast and frequent.  and i thank You that i can manage these signs and their frequency. 

a sound frequency it is!

a signal of the destination: joy.  life.  Light.  peace.

i have brothers and sisters who are but feel they are not. 

everything, time and it's continuum, is glorious.  not yet realized by all. 

i thank You for the rest you have ready for me.

for us.

here

Jurnei ....

You are definitely ever present .....

always around me ......

always before me ......

knowing the wrong i want to do .......

knowing the right i want to be ......

knowing the wrongs that i do ......

knowing the rights i want to restore .......

You never put me in shame .......

from my falls i still stand ......

You are my foundation ........

You are the cool flowing water that washes me clean ........

You remind me of obviousness ........

that i am with You always ........

and no matter where i go ........

no matter when i am sent away .......

no matter how i am set apart .......

You are with me ........

covering my every moves ........

directing my motion .......

and if i veer to the left .......

or wander to the right ........

You are still my Path ........

and my only Way ........

that sings .......

"I'm still here" .........

and i sing with You .........

You are here .......

and i am here .......

and we are here .......

together ........

hummm ..........