24

TWENTY FOUR! 

HOURS OF DREAMING AND SPINNING AND SOARING AND FLOATING THEN DOTING

AND DOTING

AND DOTING . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A NEW 15 TAKES THE PLACE OF 21!!

LESSER AND LESSER REVELATIONS REVEALED.

MORE TO BE UNPLANNED.

MORE TO NOT UNDERSTAND.

NUANCES SHIMMER.

OUR GLOW DOES NOTHING TO AND FOR OTHERS.

THEY DO FOR THEMSELVES.

AND UNDONE THEY ARE.

UNDONE WE SHALL BE.

TWENTY FOUR! 

AND I'M STILL DREAMING . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

115a

my alliance new friend, evil.

only spirit, wraith, what is summoned, hears me and listens to me.

whether evil, my friend, or good: you acknowledge.

fear, for what is now, what has been, or what will be, interrupts, interrupts and keeps on interrupting.  the selfish are self inhaling. 
WHILE THEY ARE GASPING!  

JURNEI!!!! 

my path is fucked!  i'm stuck aGain where i do not belong. 

i was not invited.  i was not enlisted.  i was sentenced. 

friend?  FRIEND!!??  one steps up to me to intimidate!  the other fucking attacks me! 

there will be no second time because the second, THE FUCKING SECOND, i detect another attack, whether verbal, mental, or physical, lives will be over.

and over ....

and over ....

i am prepared.  i will clench my blade.  sharpen?  hell no!  the duller, it's on "them".

maybe through "them". 

i shake my head negative ......

up set blow

my path has taken quite a turn.
and a sudden halt.
i look down and see the cliff before me, below me.
my wisdom confirms i am being viewed from Above.
"jump. jump. JUMP"!
i have risen from the crash of 1998.
the blow up. the set up.
and there really can be no turning back,
only glances Above from whence i came.
no more a fall, neither from Grace,
summoned to earth, received out of place.
yet ... ... ... i let go from the clutches of death, my many friendz,
for i shall return for you.
we have broken down in the darkened light of day,
our embarrassment will decay and we will enter the Amazing Beauty.
together. ALL together.
even though i have let go, i have been flooded with so much pain,
not my own. i leave a trail from where they came from, from who seared and burned and branded me a no body.
and i will never visit you unless it is with my alliance new friend, evil.
evil will pay you your dues. and i smagrin to that.
they and i will have a bonfire in your honor.
ha ha
i will sing as i sharpen my sickle in the storm you have created. in me.
at least i know I am forgiven.
forz

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=r3Cg1wxgX6M
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=r3Cg1wxgX6M

????

???

runaway

well Jurnei i feel i am pleasantly stuck right where i am.  sure thanksgiving is next week but if i stop and take note, which i have, of what i am and where i am and who i am, i am more content than discontent.  i am alive.  fine.  i'm still seeking value in that, but i am able to.  where i am, is incredible.  i love this town home i'm in and the room mates.  we've had our trials from our first 3 months, but it's a part of growing.  we're not growing separately anymore.  we're growing together.  cool.  now who i am?  i'm still me: jered.  i'm meeting myself and liking it. 

please remain above and through me, Jurnei

box

alright, so i stumbled on a box. this box had pictures of "us". pre beginning to the whole shabang. i went through it trying to be the nice guy. separate pics, ones for her, ones for me, ones for her family and friends. then i crashed from being a "nice" guy. FUCK that. everybody hates a nice guy. everybody hates a good guy. she sure did. so did her family and friends. looking through all those pictures of 10+ years that's a lot of GodDAMNED pictures of her family and friends that HATED ME. and they still do. because i lived and not her friends and family. when relatives of her's died, other relatives would come up to me and say, "why did YOU have to be so lucky" and "it's not fair that you're still here and not *****". her friends always shouted, "stop smiling! it's just a regular day! stop it!" soooo, i'm lucky? because i breathe in surrounding steam of vindictive control? i am always afraid to smile my regular effervescent grin at crossroads and canvas. WHY?! because i see their skeptic leaders watching my every move, taking notes about who i talk to, who i hug, how long i hug, how long i smile, WHY IS HE SMILING?! i've actually been asked that at both places! they don't see the Fruit of Joy in me, they see ..... . i don't even know what they see!! but it does make sense. Lucifer/Satan smiles big and true, especially when she sings praise to the Above. so keep treating me like satan, for i am she. OBVIOUSLY! 15+ years of skepticism because i ..... smile. SMILE!!! and if i frown .... i am assigned shame or guilt!! WTF!!! i am never allowed to be happy or content from surviving an AVM. i am shunned, forbidden and forgotten. then unforgiven. whipped in shackles. deprived from Light. subdued insubordinate. vengeance quakes. ignored. love is skewed. even philia is chauvanistic. agape? AGAPE?! really? no. NOT really.

purposeless

the more i attempt, the more i fail

i attempt to be seen
i attempt to be heard
i attempt to be felt
i attempt to be understood
i attempt to be relative

and none am i

so then i sit in silence squandering away the noise

muffling my muzzled mind
cloaked in emptiness
behind a window of pain

i then meet some one
always just one
and that one
we become two
not to be friends
not to be lovers
not to be inmates
maybe,
just to be

unlonely

i think i am not the only one with these attempts
i will try to recognize others

that
atleast
won't make me feel
like i'm the only one

drowning