Renewal of who's not there

so Jurnei,

i shake my head in disbelief.
i snicker at the set ups.
i snort for the widening of my eyes.
i slam another victim of my soul.

hope?
figments of disappearing de ja vu.

hope is the simple reminder that Time disagrees with the Now.
the Now over shadows the Not yet New.
the most welcome glee comes from the Never.

i ignore the laughter of their demons by scoffing louder than they.

this testament, of the third, is delayed from my dreams.
dreams of hope.
hope of wishes.
wishes of truth.
truth yet to be distilled.

this de ja vu mimics my horrors.
'tis all so beautiful.
charming.

i must speak the tongues of the Celestial for,
in hearing Them: i am directed.
in hearing Them: i am instructed.
in hearing Them: i am refrained.
in hearing Them: i am zealous.

You are here with me and You are there waiting for me.
my Future is Past Belief.
comfort me Jurnei for another missing moment has escaped my peace.

hummm my Friendz.  hum m m m m m m . . . . . . .

pissoff

TWO SHOTS OF WILD TURKEY FOR ME!  happy fucking valentines day to me.  lemme guess ..... after this rant again'st false FALSE love, i will get excluded here TOO?!  i don't doubt it.  that's how the bride works or organizations who attempt at modeling the image of the bride.  I'LL HAVE ANOTHER SHOT!  everybody else in this world is worth being alive.  NOT ME!  obviously.  it is always a happy valentines day for the empty and never for me, who is spited for being full of himself.  i am full of the Glory!  He rests in me while i crash effortlessly!  ANOTHER SHOT!!  my love is real because real love is fake.  LAST CALL!!  i bet this will get deleted because i speak my feelings of truth ...... pissssssss offffffffffffffffffffff

i aM todaY

today i am still.

today i am still me.

today i am still alive.

today i am still me being who my Creator made: me.

today i am still all of me.

today i have realized my value neither changed or changes me.

today i have always been whom i was created to be: me.

today i lost none of me.

today i gained the same as me.

today i equal yesterdays and tomorrows me.

today i still saw me.

today i welcomed me.

today i honored me.

today i was there for me.

today i was there with me.

today i tried to stay here in the now.

today i tried to see the new.

today i saw more of the no.

today is like every other day.

today is not me. yet

i am today.

still.

me.

alive.

separation

dear Jurnei!

i am full of the head aches.
i have enjoyed 2 hours of this morning SO MUCH and the enjoyment is seeping away from my being.
twill take a long long long time to be completely disapated but the scratching away of it is what pains me.
my eye lids are so heavy, filling with lava.

M, i love your being.  i love your attitude!  it is so refreshing and reassuring!  it sings of joy!

your eyes glow a glow so alluring, transient, and calming ..... .....

Jurnei, refresh our hearts.
keep mine aglued to Yourz.
Trinity!  i rarely get befriended by one who is so sweet and caring and loving!
and her precious flavor is peeled away from me.
i memorize her smile for it is amazing!
and i praise You for that.
i praise You for her.
i praise You for life!
i praise You for her life!



serenity sweep away my sorrow and sing soothingly for me.

please don't ever divide our friendship to the realms of forgotten.

may i rest in peace ... ... ... .. .. .. . . .

two missing months

October and November i am sorry i lost you.
you are two of my favorite times of the year and we were separated.
our time together last year was gray and dismal due to circumstantial traps.

life could have ended.
death could have entered.

time, the envelope, opened up.

new sources?  new details?  new players?
yes to one of those questions.  and yet, i must refocus!

to see the answer to "why am i still here" i must FOCUS!

but on what?!  who?!  why?!

this is a "new year" but the questions remain.  unanswered.

and i feel they laugh at me.

oh this game ... ... .........

continuum

all happy endings have an eternal continuum.  

it is this continuum that has reassured 

our beginning is about to happen.  

aGain.  and aGain.  to aGain.  for aGain.

the near end

Jurnei, i plead my case:

35+ years in religion that preached i have to earn happiness.  not happy about that.
16 years resurrected and still alive.  wanting to be happy about that.
15 years rejected by ecclasia.  not happy about that.
8 years married.  i was happy about that and i still am and it feels like i'm trying to look for the BAD times to justify the divorce.  not happy about doing that.
2.5 years a divorcee.  not happy about that.  but separated from the abuse: happy about that.
2 years an 11ad.  i am happy about that.
1 year with a young christian group.  happy about that.
10 days off my stupid ass drugs!  i am happy about that.
multiple christmasses with families, friends, loved ones and no one.  somewhat happy about that.
last christmas physically abused and scarred by love.  not happy about that.
christmas 10 years before that physically scarred and physically abused, also by love.  not happy about that.
this christmas emotionally still scarred.


NOW TIME: every fucking day i rise it is the demons of others that haunt me all day.
night exists not, for i find no sleep with the wicked.
night is beautiful but during the day there are wolves walking around in sheep's clothing.
they snore with the flock; growl at the weak and mock the un ordinary.

i am not a judge or a jury or an executioner.
my Trinity is the Jury and They commend me for standing my ground.
but Trinity will answer my requests and though my request be to get rid of the fakers, ha, that will not make me lonely.
i will rejoice when the pharisees are removed.
most will weep for their loss for it seems, to them, better to join the ranks of "the strong", the brute.  
i will be and AM weak in our Creators eyes.
and i find rest in that.
They provide my weaponry.
They promise victory.
the religions of this world will no longer intimidate me.
the powers are not greater.
the principalities will also never intimidate me.
they make their presence easily known.

if any, from our human race, sides with the wraiths you will be dealt with, immediately.  the end is near.

praises!