rest? not tonight ... .. .

dear Jurnei,

i have been in floods for the last 3 hours ....

and it is still ......

only 3:11 a.m. ......

it is cold .......

but my burden my grief my, ok, i'll say it, my sadness ......

i can't appreciate the cold.

i want to.

a cold hand.

a cold leg.

a cold foot.

a cold arm.

a cold heart?

within my racing, worn down mind, are the questions,

"what did i do wrong"?!

and now, already, another storm arises!!

i am heated by anger for myself

for my heart

for my attempts, failed,

at helping a loved one,

with her losses!

i can't figure it OUT!!!

i keep going over the times, the dates, the chances,

and behind the doors i see all her family that HATE ME because I AM THE ONE ALIVE AND NOT HIM!!!

churches that align cause and guilt to the living,

me,

who should have been dying,

me!

JURNEI!!

i don't want to hopelessly ask You again and again, anymore, to END MY life.

it has already ended.

and i am stuck with the living who don't even see the living.

i see them all around me!

and i thought, no, i believed i was one, too.

compassion to the wearisome?

dissipated.

Jurnei,

for some reason,

i am feeling all the hate of her family,

tonight,

and compiled from the congregations of her family,

who hate me and told me,

looked me straight in the face,

and said,

"why couldn't it have been you".

for 10 years,

for 8,

for 4,

for 2,

for 1,

i supported to the best i felt necessary.

i gave up all of me for "the vow".

i gave up all of me for "trust".

i gave up all of me for "justice".

i gave up all of me for "promise".

i gave up all of me for "duty".

i gave up all of me for "family".

i gave up all of me for "liturgy".

i gave up all of me for "strength".

i gave up all of me for "value".

i gave up all of me for "signs".

i gave up all of me for "forgiveness".

i gave up all of me for "I love you".

i gave up all of me for "peace".

i gave up all of me for "honor".

i gave up all of me for "invitation".

i gave up all of me for "empathy".

i gave up all of me for "mercy".

and what dividends have been allotted me?

blinking.

flickering.

chaffed.

dust in the wind.

fleeting.

vanished.

figment.

i am angry at myself, Jurnei, for letting things get bad.

to worse.

to gone.

to dead.

to my fault.

1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

another 1 is dead and it is my fault.

"stop streams of warm confusion.  tis difficult to see".

my breathes are heavy.  shaky.  deep.

my chest quivers.

eyes wide open so early or late this morn or past evening.

lots of happiness 6 to 9 hours ago.

did i belong there?

the many MANY x's would SCREAM back at me,

and in my face,

"NO"!

i can't swim today, Jurnei.

lava sinks.  and when cooled, is worth nothing.

even hate is worth something.

but is it worth someone?

deep breathes, still blinking eyes, wandering.

"a yawn"?

"am i worthy of this allowance"?

oh, with pain, has it been afforded me.

this deadening thing called life.

i DID my best in being Your Light,

in helping her.

in comforting her.

in supporting her.

in encouraging her.

and all my truth, from Truth Yourselves, is buried with them,

the 1 and the other 1 and the other 1, and so on, and so on.

"Right" why are we "Wrong"?

assigned a sign

Jurnei, good morning and good afternoon ....

thank You for our talk last night, in the brisk cool weather, thank You.

i am still at wonderment for what You have for me.

i work with good people and i am thankful to You for them. 

in all our weaknesses, please bless us, bless them, bless.

You have and continue to bless me.  for that, smagrin.

time is winding down Jurnei for the next chapter in my life.

i am thankful i have a next chapter. 

Jurnei, please help me, advise me, strengthen me, educate me to know what to say to those who feel they want to close the book on their life.  or feel their chapters are filled with doom and exile. 

i am so thankful to You for knowing and believing that i, we all, are accepted for who we ARE. 

the shame in my friend's stress filled lives is saddening. 

please lift their spirits, their beings, their aura's. 

this is my compassion to the wearisome and burdensome.

always has been.  always will be.

i love You Jurnei, my Trinity friend of all, to all, for all, with all.

assist me with these new revealing signs and clues and signals.  they're coming to me fast and frequent.  and i thank You that i can manage these signs and their frequency. 

a sound frequency it is!

a signal of the destination: joy.  life.  Light.  peace.

i have brothers and sisters who are but feel they are not. 

everything, time and it's continuum, is glorious.  not yet realized by all. 

i thank You for the rest you have ready for me.

for us.

here

Jurnei ....

You are definitely ever present .....

always around me ......

always before me ......

knowing the wrong i want to do .......

knowing the right i want to be ......

knowing the wrongs that i do ......

knowing the rights i want to restore .......

You never put me in shame .......

from my falls i still stand ......

You are my foundation ........

You are the cool flowing water that washes me clean ........

You remind me of obviousness ........

that i am with You always ........

and no matter where i go ........

no matter when i am sent away .......

no matter how i am set apart .......

You are with me ........

covering my every moves ........

directing my motion .......

and if i veer to the left .......

or wander to the right ........

You are still my Path ........

and my only Way ........

that sings .......

"I'm still here" .........

and i sing with You .........

You are here .......

and i am here .......

and we are here .......

together ........

hummm ..........

content yawn

any day

all day

every day

any eve

all eve

every eve

Trin You are so radiant!

whether i am blinded by the past

you GLOW too amazingly powerful and fresh and contrite!

my so many so many questions about life and death are compiled to just a few.  maybe two.  maybe one!

and really, how rhetorical it is.

"oh how You LOVE us"!

i smagrin holding in the details!

You know my blue prints.

You know my meaning.

You know me.

i know You.

oh!

i smagrin ........

u vA Je'D

i wrote this poem for us Jurnei!

Hummm (revolution two A of circle 2) #6 began 11/15/2013. completed 8/13/2014.

u vA Je'D

Days end as another day ends the spectrum's circle: spectre's cycle. Hide and go. Seek a floating presence not weighing in secrets, but cells and chambers.

Every instance is still re-instituted, and the past has been, but not for comparisons to the future.

Jremes re-incarnate. Jurneis revisit. “What i've seen before looks similar to it's past. Was it the same path”? My foot prints seem identical, less i'm once again floating above our unseen shadows. “Lift shadows, lift. Re-appear from our disappear”.

Accurate my current stretches. No regrets for all attempts. No floating dismal this time, saddened by who or what might never be. Again. And again. It might never be. But please.

Voices echo, falling from yesterday's yesteryears. Cry out from within the mirrors of time (begging to be seen). Bettering the scenes. Blistered we may seem from the new layer of gently pressed time. It parachutes over us so softly. So sweetly. So unnoticeable. “So are you gonna change something”? because …...

“u va jurnei. u va jreme. u va nother. u va role.

u va liking. u va choice. u va reconing. uve control.

u va mystery. uve beliefs. u van archive uve yet read.

uve today. uve tomorrow. uveternity. u va jed”.

irun

really Jurnei!  You cause me to shake my head left and right, back and forth!

i SMAGRIN all the time!! 

You are so amazing!  and wonderful!  and remind me, my past is not my fault.

i accept Your reminder.

i run with You toward my future!

guidance

Jurnei,

please give me guidance with my heart.

You know what i refer to.

You see my face of joy when i see ..... face of joy.

when i hear the voice of it.

when i hear so much love for You! 

let me keep singing my love for you, as well.

it is just so great to hear someone else love You so much!!

You, Jurnei are the Light of Sound and Praise and Love and Freedom!

grace me with a smile.

You are finding favor in me.  or is it i am finding favor by You? 

thank You Jurnei.  what a game of words.  You know me so well :-)

ultimate praises to You Three +

smagrin!!