aghast

Jurnei!!

i ... ... can't ... ... reason right now ...

You know what tomorrow is ... ...

You know how i am not believing my contract ... ...

... ... ... ... ...

You also know how ... a ... flat line ... i am seriously wanting ...

i can't even keep my eyes open without swelling 

when they're closed the vibrations of anxiety and pulsations of 

loneliness engulf me!

10 years Jurnei!

10 YEARS!!  and all for naught!

Jurnei,

You know how damaging this is to my aura now.

i didn't even have to do my best to never lust after another soul or mind or heart or body!

i never had to do my best at being so faithful in my many work places and ministries and heart.

but,

maybe i dressed her in royalty.

something she was not.  none of us are.

maybe i did view her as my idol of worship,

although i know,

or i thought,

i did not.

Jurnei,

she is not compassionate.

she is full of duty, yes, maybe an honor for her,

but duty is compassionless

and

compassion is without duty.

we did not fair well.

Jurnei,

should i have been the one to give up so easily?

am i still longing for something, someone, who will never be?

is my fight or battle with my guardian angels?

should i give more freedom to my demons?

i want to!  i want to!!  i want two!!!  i want more!!!!

they are telling me more truths.

maybe because they are paired with her's or her family's.  

we all have them, fighting these guardian angels of ours.

the angels don't speak truth.

and they can't speak from experience or understanding,

unlike the wraiths.

aghast i am,

hungry i am for self vengeance.

i am my own cause for my own defeat.

but i will win something.

never someone, it should never be.

i don't want to ponder anymore,

"i should never be or ever have been".

a tough day and night Jurnei,

and it isn't even tomorrow .... .... .... .... ... ... ... .. .. .

still floating .000015

Jurnei

i am still heavily in the phase of "trust no one".

i don't like that.

this week you have supplied good new friends.

caring friends.

i want to respond in the same way

but not overwhelmingly.



the words for my music lately are serious,

they have meaning.  i don't know if the words are just what are screaming from my soul

or scratching to get out of my heart.  but a beautiful record they play.


i also don't know if a new chapter in my life is being written

or choreographed

or illustrated

but i'm taking it in and watching, viewing, the making.

i want to feel like i have a hand in it,

but i know that leads to a feeling of "control" which i tried to master,

completely,

in my past.



i didn't create my past and i didn't create my future.

i am the new creation created by entity elsewhere.

it is what i do with this new creation, that i am, that will either

close the gaps or move past the gaps or heal the gaps.



the healing is consuming.



Jurnei,

you know my heart of the past wants something .... .....

that words can not utter ... ....

descriptions mean nigh ... .... ....

maybe it is my heart of the future that that wants to escape:

the present

the past.



when will the peace be softening?

when will i trust instead of living by human faith?

when will i feel real connection

and not be discarded.

there is connection . . . . . .

real . . . . . is the test . . . . . the key . . . .  .



i miss "her" and guilt has replaced who once was . . . . . . . . . . .



however, yes, and true, You All are with me,

forever

and

now

k

thanks Jurnei,
nice hour long walk and talk.
it could have lasted longer.
it seemed it did.

i need to remove the barriers.
i will knock them down and away.
whether they be personal or emotional or metal
they have to get out of the way

to allow newness in.

to allow You in.

to allow Life in

and to allow me to get out

to meet Life.

my barriers are filled with what was never meant to be

mine

shame

abuse

embarrassment

guilt

stacked upon stacked upon stacked

oncewas

Jurnei,

Your presence was ever so realized one week ago.

why does it seem distance has shown itself?

and taking it's place in our presence is "hate" and reminders of what i was and was.

loved and hated.

rich and poor.

proud and humble.

confident and unabashed.

i feel i was hurt so much tonight Jurnei.

please just calm my anger.

peel away it's mask.

uncloak my heart so that it can move again according to peace.

tonight ... ... ...

it's been a while since feeling this way.  

i suppose, that's a good thing, Jurnei.

love

look then look now look when

Jurnei

i try to not

but i can not

still i will not

although i have done

and still do

yet

no more i want to.

my future is such a mist of darkness

a cloud of suffocating air.

i can not form it or formulate it or formalize it.

i don't know if i should hope to this future,

to what ever future,

is it mine?

i relent to gasp for the thin air of what ever future it is.

it seems the best i should do

for me

right now

is continue to see my present time.

my present of time.

the current.

days are much better

along

with the evenings and midnights.

but i don't want to look at the present either.

because i have nothing to account for.

maybe being me

who You created

yet,

even to myself, i am unacceptable.

so i still will focus on Who is acceptable

still,

when shall i heal from this?

blind

Jurnei,

my eyes want to smile.  tiresome they crawl.  they try to roll open and stay.

my head rolls one way and then another and then again the same.

beneath my eyes, that see no definitive movements or stances,

is a clear solid ground that i stand upon.

i do thank You that i am not swamped.

that i am not crushed.

that i am not pressed anymore.

i am still persecuted by the figments though.

i am on this open open open road with no Three but You.

Your music draws me closer and mine as well.

Our words, our reflections from each other will be for each other.

For no one else.

helpful They may be, but the choice to be positive and stay positive remains theirs.

and mine.

and You,

are.

i have always seen that about You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .



eye smagrin

Trenches

Jurnei,

I still feel very much in the trenches.

Maybe by my own staying?

I come out every once in a while, but I feel protected from the bombardement of "no one really likes you"!!

But, I trust You do, Jurnei.

I don't know how You or how I allow You to get me to be amongst the living?

Am I one of they?

Insertions of significance come every now and then.  But placebo like they feel.  Uppers.

Falling victim to any belief is draining, sleeping me awake.

Jurnei, when I was with You, I knew my importance.  Here, it is fleeting.  And fading.

Sure, it fades to Starlight, but so far reaching away from my grasp it becomes.

I wish I could fly there, too.

Maybe tonight?