k

thanks Jurnei,
nice hour long walk and talk.
it could have lasted longer.
it seemed it did.

i need to remove the barriers.
i will knock them down and away.
whether they be personal or emotional or metal
they have to get out of the way

to allow newness in.

to allow You in.

to allow Life in

and to allow me to get out

to meet Life.

my barriers are filled with what was never meant to be

mine

shame

abuse

embarrassment

guilt

stacked upon stacked upon stacked

oncewas

Jurnei,

Your presence was ever so realized one week ago.

why does it seem distance has shown itself?

and taking it's place in our presence is "hate" and reminders of what i was and was.

loved and hated.

rich and poor.

proud and humble.

confident and unabashed.

i feel i was hurt so much tonight Jurnei.

please just calm my anger.

peel away it's mask.

uncloak my heart so that it can move again according to peace.

tonight ... ... ...

it's been a while since feeling this way.  

i suppose, that's a good thing, Jurnei.

love

look then look now look when

Jurnei

i try to not

but i can not

still i will not

although i have done

and still do

yet

no more i want to.

my future is such a mist of darkness

a cloud of suffocating air.

i can not form it or formulate it or formalize it.

i don't know if i should hope to this future,

to what ever future,

is it mine?

i relent to gasp for the thin air of what ever future it is.

it seems the best i should do

for me

right now

is continue to see my present time.

my present of time.

the current.

days are much better

along

with the evenings and midnights.

but i don't want to look at the present either.

because i have nothing to account for.

maybe being me

who You created

yet,

even to myself, i am unacceptable.

so i still will focus on Who is acceptable

still,

when shall i heal from this?

blind

Jurnei,

my eyes want to smile.  tiresome they crawl.  they try to roll open and stay.

my head rolls one way and then another and then again the same.

beneath my eyes, that see no definitive movements or stances,

is a clear solid ground that i stand upon.

i do thank You that i am not swamped.

that i am not crushed.

that i am not pressed anymore.

i am still persecuted by the figments though.

i am on this open open open road with no Three but You.

Your music draws me closer and mine as well.

Our words, our reflections from each other will be for each other.

For no one else.

helpful They may be, but the choice to be positive and stay positive remains theirs.

and mine.

and You,

are.

i have always seen that about You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .



eye smagrin

Trenches

Jurnei,

I still feel very much in the trenches.

Maybe by my own staying?

I come out every once in a while, but I feel protected from the bombardement of "no one really likes you"!!

But, I trust You do, Jurnei.

I don't know how You or how I allow You to get me to be amongst the living?

Am I one of they?

Insertions of significance come every now and then.  But placebo like they feel.  Uppers.

Falling victim to any belief is draining, sleeping me awake.

Jurnei, when I was with You, I knew my importance.  Here, it is fleeting.  And fading.

Sure, it fades to Starlight, but so far reaching away from my grasp it becomes.

I wish I could fly there, too.

Maybe tonight?

aze

an absolutely awesome amazing amounted afternoon assembled across affirmations after affirmations announced as agreements and "alright"!  

anxieties adhered anent axioms.  

apprehension ascended and ascending all  away awaiting another accompaniment and attitude affluent as approval and acceptance and accordance.  

an acquiescence amenable and anon amicable and anon amiable and anon admirable.  

aces!

muzic to heal

the muzic is healing ... .. .

the soundz ... .. .

the clickz ... .. .

the tempoz ... .. .

the rhythmz ... .. .

the crescendoz ... .. .

the diminuendoz ... .. .

the tapz ... .. .

the slidez ... .. .

the deep bass ... .. .

the wordz ... .. .

the hummmz ... .. .

the nodz ... .. .

the slapz ... .. .

the pluckz ... .. .

all dedicated to You ... .. .