y

Jurnei

y do i love Thee?

y do You love me?

y am i lost?

y am i hidden within Your Light?

y am i reckoned obsolete?

y is my voice not sound?

y is a touch scraping?

y am i?

y are You?

y is it not yet?

y has my past left me?

y is the future ungained?

y do my eyes hurt?

y haven't i discovered my purpose?

y do i tread the shallow?

y can't i breathe what We once breathed together?

y am i to suffer?

y does contentment befail me?

y do i stand?

y do i sound?

y oh y?

destress me pleez

thank You Jurnei for this past week.  it has been quiet and calm.  and we got to play music!  i ate a good meal.  You were there with me the whole time!  i could feel You.  i could sense You.  thank You for giving me that night off.

at the cross roads, thank You that there were activities for the people there.  it seemed it was joyous.

please, though, help me peel more of my eyes open.  help me to see what you have given me, surrounded me with.  help me to focus to healthiness.  help me to focus on what i have not on what i do not.  or what i lost.  or what was usurped.  help me to not not not focus on what others give me: stress and disregard and abandonment.

thank You Jurnei for shining above at the end of each work night!  so beautiful!

opp to help

thank You Jurnei for the night a week ago.
thank You that the homeless person saw good in me and asked me for help.
thank You that i fixed my initial reaction and helped her.
thank You that she and i listened to music for the half hour we rode in the car together.
thank You that she complimented my choice of music and enjoyed it.
thank You that she was alive that moment.

please watch over her for she is probably back to being alone and homeless.
please prepare for her, a meal in eternity that will last forever and taste immaculate.
please let her tread this dismal earth, as i do, for a little while longer, as i, for i know she has good in her.

peace

auroras Light

to my faithful Lights who shine within me and on me: You are my music that echoes from today's sorrow's and joy's. You catch me when i belay sky scrapers just to challenge death. You simplify the complications in my mind and even when i see how easily You love me .......... me? i still conjure more scenarios of disbelief. i stain myself with shame. and yet, You smile through me. i fill my burdens even more, but You lift me every morning as if i am as light as air. for to You, my heavy guilt's are weightless. but you know, my heart is weighed down. conflicted and torn. i thank You for always catching me when i fall. but instead, can You please do something about those who have pushed me off the cliffs? You hold my vengeance. please unleash them. and let me, also, jump out of Your clutches. into Your aurora, i ask to float again ... .... .... ....

dial

Jurnei my Trinity friends,
i am still angry.
but i am scraping off the scabs of anger.
and it is a daily thing.
so many scabs.  so many sores.  so many hurts.  and one mask.

i sit with thoughts of "where".
i stand in the midst of nowhere.
i kneel in hopes of everywhere.

my anger?  i am so close to doing things i no i shouldn't.  and i am far away from doing what i ought.

my terror?  visits me every second i breathe.

i try to gasp the drought of air.

Gain .... please let me rest tonight.

You Three, i thank You for what it will be like a million years from now.

help me to thank You for the now.

and help me to delete any negatives from my past.  they are scorched in me, though.

my scars just hide my horror.

my horror is lonely.

my lonely is ever.

my ever is unknown.

to where are You calling me?

the count down

Jurnei
what is Your timing for me?
when should i go?
should i go now?
or wait?
days after days after days i keep thinking of leaving.
i do not belong.
i should be dead!
why am i not?
why am i alive?
i make people smile or laugh at times but i don't mean anything to them.
i don't mean anything.
choices: i want to jet vs stay and take care.  TAKE CARE OF ELSE?
i am not to take care of others.
i was taught to fend for myself.
they can too.
reward?
tis vanity.
my time is near completion eh

the draw

so Jurnei,
You are the only reliable.
not me.
not "friends".
not family.
not ecclasia.
not skill.
not employment.
not even abandonment.

yet, i will be as reliable as i will be.

my plans are only limited by control.
my duties are only exercised by force.
my activities are only endorsed by time.
my adventures are only appreciated by You.

and also, yet, tis sad.

neither plan nor duty, nor activity nor adventure is promised.

the elements are not.
the dates are not.
the decisions are not.
the games are not.
the entrances are not.
the exits are not.

the only alluring trap is the reckoning.

behind or within the mesh,
are figures of grace and beauty.
still.
trepid.
timid.
frail.

i .... d .... on't ..... c .... an't .... s ..... peak ..... m .....y ...... b ........ reath.
i ..... s ...... uffocate ........ m .....y ............... h ....eart .......