dial

Jurnei my Trinity friends,
i am still angry.
but i am scraping off the scabs of anger.
and it is a daily thing.
so many scabs.  so many sores.  so many hurts.  and one mask.

i sit with thoughts of "where".
i stand in the midst of nowhere.
i kneel in hopes of everywhere.

my anger?  i am so close to doing things i no i shouldn't.  and i am far away from doing what i ought.

my terror?  visits me every second i breathe.

i try to gasp the drought of air.

Gain .... please let me rest tonight.

You Three, i thank You for what it will be like a million years from now.

help me to thank You for the now.

and help me to delete any negatives from my past.  they are scorched in me, though.

my scars just hide my horror.

my horror is lonely.

my lonely is ever.

my ever is unknown.

to where are You calling me?

the count down

Jurnei
what is Your timing for me?
when should i go?
should i go now?
or wait?
days after days after days i keep thinking of leaving.
i do not belong.
i should be dead!
why am i not?
why am i alive?
i make people smile or laugh at times but i don't mean anything to them.
i don't mean anything.
choices: i want to jet vs stay and take care.  TAKE CARE OF ELSE?
i am not to take care of others.
i was taught to fend for myself.
they can too.
reward?
tis vanity.
my time is near completion eh

the draw

so Jurnei,
You are the only reliable.
not me.
not "friends".
not family.
not ecclasia.
not skill.
not employment.
not even abandonment.

yet, i will be as reliable as i will be.

my plans are only limited by control.
my duties are only exercised by force.
my activities are only endorsed by time.
my adventures are only appreciated by You.

and also, yet, tis sad.

neither plan nor duty, nor activity nor adventure is promised.

the elements are not.
the dates are not.
the decisions are not.
the games are not.
the entrances are not.
the exits are not.

the only alluring trap is the reckoning.

behind or within the mesh,
are figures of grace and beauty.
still.
trepid.
timid.
frail.

i .... d .... on't ..... c .... an't .... s ..... peak ..... m .....y ...... b ........ reath.
i ..... s ...... uffocate ........ m .....y ............... h ....eart .......

scorn for absence

guess i'll be honest today Jurnei.
i hate.
right now,
i hate.
i am just angry.
i am fed up.
i am pissed the fuck off.
it could be the weather.
or it is my past that mocks me.
the past does.
behind the present.
and in the face of the future.
scorn.
yes.
i hate.

trap of envy

my demons envy me much.
yet I will not curse them.
a pi'ed piper, am I?
I play tunes to glorify Above.
I sing words to nullify below.
but I am surrounded by holes.
holes of irony.
holes of legislation.
holes of control.
holes in freedom.
holes in justice.
holes in normality.
the plane i strive upon is perforated.
'tis rarely is seen a game.
but aGain, it iz.
I only fill myself with Truth
by Truth
for Truth
and for me.
this outside world is untrue.
and the Truth will be told
by flames which will reveal
the Truth.
for what remains to be seen,
to be heard,
to be felt,
to be known,
to be real,
is Truth,
and Truth alone.

Renewal of who's not there

so Jurnei,

i shake my head in disbelief.
i snicker at the set ups.
i snort for the widening of my eyes.
i slam another victim of my soul.

hope?
figments of disappearing de ja vu.

hope is the simple reminder that Time disagrees with the Now.
the Now over shadows the Not yet New.
the most welcome glee comes from the Never.

i ignore the laughter of their demons by scoffing louder than they.

this testament, of the third, is delayed from my dreams.
dreams of hope.
hope of wishes.
wishes of truth.
truth yet to be distilled.

this de ja vu mimics my horrors.
'tis all so beautiful.
charming.

i must speak the tongues of the Celestial for,
in hearing Them: i am directed.
in hearing Them: i am instructed.
in hearing Them: i am refrained.
in hearing Them: i am zealous.

You are here with me and You are there waiting for me.
my Future is Past Belief.
comfort me Jurnei for another missing moment has escaped my peace.

hummm my Friendz.  hum m m m m m m . . . . . . .

pissoff

TWO SHOTS OF WILD TURKEY FOR ME!  happy fucking valentines day to me.  lemme guess ..... after this rant again'st false FALSE love, i will get excluded here TOO?!  i don't doubt it.  that's how the bride works or organizations who attempt at modeling the image of the bride.  I'LL HAVE ANOTHER SHOT!  everybody else in this world is worth being alive.  NOT ME!  obviously.  it is always a happy valentines day for the empty and never for me, who is spited for being full of himself.  i am full of the Glory!  He rests in me while i crash effortlessly!  ANOTHER SHOT!!  my love is real because real love is fake.  LAST CALL!!  i bet this will get deleted because i speak my feelings of truth ...... pissssssss offffffffffffffffffffff