my head is still clouded clouded clouded. don't know if it is residual steam or new steam or clearing fog or thunder or dust smitten? my brain just aches ... ... ...
i don't believe it is due to loss anymore, i think it is not understanding the loss. i know You "give" and You "take" away ... ... ... so how is Your name blessed by that. i can not bless. others are no different. i am not blessed by my own means. i am though blessed from whatever company i keep.
i am befriending someone and they are so valuable to You Jurnei. i know it. i can see it. it matters not if they are valuable to me, maybe because i don't feel valuable to me.
and no, i do not believe i am attempting to be hypocritical. i find it easier to debase myself, especially if it is unknowingly lifting someone else up.
religion, every sunday, says i am nothing. so i am living it. everyone else is something and someone. to most, i feel as no one. to few, i do not know. to some, maybe.
at least this month has begun brighter than it has in the past.
and yet, i still feel self trapped in that past of darkness.
is that where i belong? will i ever escape it?
i will only retreat from it with my fellow fallen ones.
maybe that is why i am so dismal.
please March light shine on and refill the barren ... ... ... ... .. .. .. .. . . . .
No comments:
Post a Comment