HOWLZ to the LOST

right now, i am and have been very very lost ...

lost in thought ...

lost in meaning ...

lost in nature ...

lost in life ...

lost in death ...

lost in hate ...

lost in love ...

each second i am now "living" or dying, whatever, i don't want.

my swelling mind is searching for escape ...

the means for escape ...

any reasons for escape ...

i am questioning the decisions i find myself making or wanting to make because i feel like those are decisions to do somethings right or not wrong.

my mind is swollen from the last 16/36 years of being filled with sugar coated guilt and shame and slander that i am full of sin because that is how You made me.

my escape will soon be complete.

soon may equal 2 years or 200 years.

i trust no one.

i want to trust few.

i want to trust the "10".

but then ... do i really?

my escape seems to only be made by plunging into the depths of darkness ...

"hell", what or where ever that is in relation to reality

or propaganda.

i goal one!

it would be nice to be accompanied by others who believe and trust in what they believe ...

but even i do not believe "they" exist or have the capacity.

it will just be what it is.

the window frames in time.  this is now, frame 1.

long is the way through the dimensions of passages, many they are and may and will be.

i goal one.

trust no one.

but me

for i am a zero.

i am not the one.

i am not the savior.

i am just doing and being who and what none else will:

aware.

howllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!