no threat

Jurnei,

i really dislike knowing that these past 15 years threatened my being.

by religion.  by religious leaders.  by emptiness.

Jurnei, it does anger me.

i don't like having one good day out of 15.

when i was with You, i had 21 great evenings and mornings out of 21.

and this is what i asked to come back into?

reminders of why i should be dead?!

reminders from ecclesia everywhere i turn.

Jurnei, happiness is no where here but within.  and that too is deadening.

this is a different christmas but still all the same.

lonely without You.

a wasted last 15 years.  she wasted 10 of them.  and if i wasted it too, that is 25 wasted years within 15!

can You relight that?  can You rekindle what has turned to ash?

just sweep me away, Jurnei.

i am very angry again Jurnei.

my life was threatened and she just stood by!!!

eyes everywhere

(Jurnei i wrote this almost 2 or 3 years ago.  i believe the elements of my future's purpose and path are in these words of my past)

if i were to close my eyes, is my departure in vain? would it be in defense? does the thought of that imply an offense on my part? is it an act of selfish humility in need of subtle attention by soft ghosts? apparitions perish to the open viewer, one or all.

if i were to simply close my eyes, is my resistance to evidential truth really so abrasive to onlookers as to deserve signals of neglect? whispers of negligence barricading the cast away just enough so that the ripples murmur into non existence; the point of nothing forgotten.

if i were to softly close my eyes, is my refrain from blistering voice which is the choice for a blistering domain, so hard to figure out?

if i were to close my eyes, i still will not silence my persecutors. i see them with eyes open, their dark quite visible to the inner light. i see them with eyes closed, quietly stalking my every response; these quiescent sloths replicating what they have no means of empathy-coating.

there will be no allotment for dictatorship and by my means, whether necessary or obligatory, it will be what it will naturally be. recompense is karma. karma re-shines. shine on! God shine on!

i’ll open my eyes to that! at least You All see me free.

j

tally no keep

so Jurnei,

this is what you are telling me again.

and again.

and it will continue to need to be

again . . . 

"i am not my record of losses".

Jurnei,

what exactly does that mean or look like?

especially in relation to "wins"?

i don't want to look at life as win/lose 

although

i realize the many "lose" ings.

i lose respect for people, masses, individuals, etc. who are indifferent

i lose my composure

(when i feel set up to be mocked)

i lose my temper

(when i feel set up to blow or go crazy)

i lose my mind

(when i feel set up to fail)

and i HAVE been set up.

yet, this time around,

in relation to my de ja,

the set up is by my demons.

envious they are.

and also yet, it is not their fault.

Jurnei,

i praise You for You never set me up for anything.

not for glory

not for fame

not for splendor

those belong to You.

You also don't hold me up as if i can't stand, for I can do all things, by Your example, by Your model.

You always allow me to pick myself up when thrown down.

You always fill me with Truth when i feel emptied by lies.

You always surround me with Hope 

when i feel bombarded by discouragement.

i smagrin Jurnei.

i smagrin.

because ... ... ... i am knowing more clearly and readily what is taking place.

meeting and remeeting on our path Jurnei.

reconnections for You and Your forever family,

the Origin.

sing

dance

hummm

i shall . . . and still . . .

i smagrin

x

JURNEI!!!

LET ME LEAVE THIS PLACE!!!!

NOW!!!!

I DO NOT BELONG HERE!!!!

I CAUSE TOO MUCH PAIN!!!!

I CAUSE TOO MUCH UNFORGIVENESS!!!

AND I NEVER MEAN TOO!!!!

NEVER DID!!!!

NEVER DIED!!!!

SHOULD HAVE THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE BEAUTIFUL PHRASE OF TRUTH,

"I SHOULD BE DEAD"

x

scales

♫ ♫ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♪ ♪♪♪

jurnei,

my melody,

music seems to be my calling.

or is she calling me to be her's?

currently, i am with her,

pre planned, i am with her,

post positioned, i am in her.

i am always drawn to her.

up and down her scales,

smoothly rubbing her,

pressing her,

fingers pressing hard then soft then hard then soft.

when she hummms her sound causes me to smagrin.

trills tickle her soul.

♫ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

i smagrin

aghast

Jurnei!!

i ... ... can't ... ... reason right now ...

You know what tomorrow is ... ...

You know how i am not believing my contract ... ...

... ... ... ... ...

You also know how ... a ... flat line ... i am seriously wanting ...

i can't even keep my eyes open without swelling 

when they're closed the vibrations of anxiety and pulsations of 

loneliness engulf me!

10 years Jurnei!

10 YEARS!!  and all for naught!

Jurnei,

You know how damaging this is to my aura now.

i didn't even have to do my best to never lust after another soul or mind or heart or body!

i never had to do my best at being so faithful in my many work places and ministries and heart.

but,

maybe i dressed her in royalty.

something she was not.  none of us are.

maybe i did view her as my idol of worship,

although i know,

or i thought,

i did not.

Jurnei,

she is not compassionate.

she is full of duty, yes, maybe an honor for her,

but duty is compassionless

and

compassion is without duty.

we did not fair well.

Jurnei,

should i have been the one to give up so easily?

am i still longing for something, someone, who will never be?

is my fight or battle with my guardian angels?

should i give more freedom to my demons?

i want to!  i want to!!  i want two!!!  i want more!!!!

they are telling me more truths.

maybe because they are paired with her's or her family's.  

we all have them, fighting these guardian angels of ours.

the angels don't speak truth.

and they can't speak from experience or understanding,

unlike the wraiths.

aghast i am,

hungry i am for self vengeance.

i am my own cause for my own defeat.

but i will win something.

never someone, it should never be.

i don't want to ponder anymore,

"i should never be or ever have been".

a tough day and night Jurnei,

and it isn't even tomorrow .... .... .... .... ... ... ... .. .. .

still floating .000015

Jurnei

i am still heavily in the phase of "trust no one".

i don't like that.

this week you have supplied good new friends.

caring friends.

i want to respond in the same way

but not overwhelmingly.



the words for my music lately are serious,

they have meaning.  i don't know if the words are just what are screaming from my soul

or scratching to get out of my heart.  but a beautiful record they play.


i also don't know if a new chapter in my life is being written

or choreographed

or illustrated

but i'm taking it in and watching, viewing, the making.

i want to feel like i have a hand in it,

but i know that leads to a feeling of "control" which i tried to master,

completely,

in my past.



i didn't create my past and i didn't create my future.

i am the new creation created by entity elsewhere.

it is what i do with this new creation, that i am, that will either

close the gaps or move past the gaps or heal the gaps.



the healing is consuming.



Jurnei,

you know my heart of the past wants something .... .....

that words can not utter ... ....

descriptions mean nigh ... .... ....

maybe it is my heart of the future that that wants to escape:

the present

the past.



when will the peace be softening?

when will i trust instead of living by human faith?

when will i feel real connection

and not be discarded.

there is connection . . . . . .

real . . . . . is the test . . . . . the key . . . .  .



i miss "her" and guilt has replaced who once was . . . . . . . . . . .



however, yes, and true, You All are with me,

forever

and

now