aghast

Jurnei!!

i ... ... can't ... ... reason right now ...

You know what tomorrow is ... ...

You know how i am not believing my contract ... ...

... ... ... ... ...

You also know how ... a ... flat line ... i am seriously wanting ...

i can't even keep my eyes open without swelling 

when they're closed the vibrations of anxiety and pulsations of 

loneliness engulf me!

10 years Jurnei!

10 YEARS!!  and all for naught!

Jurnei,

You know how damaging this is to my aura now.

i didn't even have to do my best to never lust after another soul or mind or heart or body!

i never had to do my best at being so faithful in my many work places and ministries and heart.

but,

maybe i dressed her in royalty.

something she was not.  none of us are.

maybe i did view her as my idol of worship,

although i know,

or i thought,

i did not.

Jurnei,

she is not compassionate.

she is full of duty, yes, maybe an honor for her,

but duty is compassionless

and

compassion is without duty.

we did not fair well.

Jurnei,

should i have been the one to give up so easily?

am i still longing for something, someone, who will never be?

is my fight or battle with my guardian angels?

should i give more freedom to my demons?

i want to!  i want to!!  i want two!!!  i want more!!!!

they are telling me more truths.

maybe because they are paired with her's or her family's.  

we all have them, fighting these guardian angels of ours.

the angels don't speak truth.

and they can't speak from experience or understanding,

unlike the wraiths.

aghast i am,

hungry i am for self vengeance.

i am my own cause for my own defeat.

but i will win something.

never someone, it should never be.

i don't want to ponder anymore,

"i should never be or ever have been".

a tough day and night Jurnei,

and it isn't even tomorrow .... .... .... .... ... ... ... .. .. .