still floating .000015

Jurnei

i am still heavily in the phase of "trust no one".

i don't like that.

this week you have supplied good new friends.

caring friends.

i want to respond in the same way

but not overwhelmingly.



the words for my music lately are serious,

they have meaning.  i don't know if the words are just what are screaming from my soul

or scratching to get out of my heart.  but a beautiful record they play.


i also don't know if a new chapter in my life is being written

or choreographed

or illustrated

but i'm taking it in and watching, viewing, the making.

i want to feel like i have a hand in it,

but i know that leads to a feeling of "control" which i tried to master,

completely,

in my past.



i didn't create my past and i didn't create my future.

i am the new creation created by entity elsewhere.

it is what i do with this new creation, that i am, that will either

close the gaps or move past the gaps or heal the gaps.



the healing is consuming.



Jurnei,

you know my heart of the past wants something .... .....

that words can not utter ... ....

descriptions mean nigh ... .... ....

maybe it is my heart of the future that that wants to escape:

the present

the past.



when will the peace be softening?

when will i trust instead of living by human faith?

when will i feel real connection

and not be discarded.

there is connection . . . . . .

real . . . . . is the test . . . . . the key . . . .  .



i miss "her" and guilt has replaced who once was . . . . . . . . . . .



however, yes, and true, You All are with me,

forever

and

now