k

thanks Jurnei,
nice hour long walk and talk.
it could have lasted longer.
it seemed it did.

i need to remove the barriers.
i will knock them down and away.
whether they be personal or emotional or metal
they have to get out of the way

to allow newness in.

to allow You in.

to allow Life in

and to allow me to get out

to meet Life.

my barriers are filled with what was never meant to be

mine

shame

abuse

embarrassment

guilt

stacked upon stacked upon stacked

oncewas

Jurnei,

Your presence was ever so realized one week ago.

why does it seem distance has shown itself?

and taking it's place in our presence is "hate" and reminders of what i was and was.

loved and hated.

rich and poor.

proud and humble.

confident and unabashed.

i feel i was hurt so much tonight Jurnei.

please just calm my anger.

peel away it's mask.

uncloak my heart so that it can move again according to peace.

tonight ... ... ...

it's been a while since feeling this way.  

i suppose, that's a good thing, Jurnei.

love

look then look now look when

Jurnei

i try to not

but i can not

still i will not

although i have done

and still do

yet

no more i want to.

my future is such a mist of darkness

a cloud of suffocating air.

i can not form it or formulate it or formalize it.

i don't know if i should hope to this future,

to what ever future,

is it mine?

i relent to gasp for the thin air of what ever future it is.

it seems the best i should do

for me

right now

is continue to see my present time.

my present of time.

the current.

days are much better

along

with the evenings and midnights.

but i don't want to look at the present either.

because i have nothing to account for.

maybe being me

who You created

yet,

even to myself, i am unacceptable.

so i still will focus on Who is acceptable

still,

when shall i heal from this?