box

alright, so i stumbled on a box. this box had pictures of "us". pre beginning to the whole shabang. i went through it trying to be the nice guy. separate pics, ones for her, ones for me, ones for her family and friends. then i crashed from being a "nice" guy. FUCK that. everybody hates a nice guy. everybody hates a good guy. she sure did. so did her family and friends. looking through all those pictures of 10+ years that's a lot of GodDAMNED pictures of her family and friends that HATED ME. and they still do. because i lived and not her friends and family. when relatives of her's died, other relatives would come up to me and say, "why did YOU have to be so lucky" and "it's not fair that you're still here and not *****". her friends always shouted, "stop smiling! it's just a regular day! stop it!" soooo, i'm lucky? because i breathe in surrounding steam of vindictive control? i am always afraid to smile my regular effervescent grin at crossroads and canvas. WHY?! because i see their skeptic leaders watching my every move, taking notes about who i talk to, who i hug, how long i hug, how long i smile, WHY IS HE SMILING?! i've actually been asked that at both places! they don't see the Fruit of Joy in me, they see ..... . i don't even know what they see!! but it does make sense. Lucifer/Satan smiles big and true, especially when she sings praise to the Above. so keep treating me like satan, for i am she. OBVIOUSLY! 15+ years of skepticism because i ..... smile. SMILE!!! and if i frown .... i am assigned shame or guilt!! WTF!!! i am never allowed to be happy or content from surviving an AVM. i am shunned, forbidden and forgotten. then unforgiven. whipped in shackles. deprived from Light. subdued insubordinate. vengeance quakes. ignored. love is skewed. even philia is chauvanistic. agape? AGAPE?! really? no. NOT really.

purposeless

the more i attempt, the more i fail

i attempt to be seen
i attempt to be heard
i attempt to be felt
i attempt to be understood
i attempt to be relative

and none am i

so then i sit in silence squandering away the noise

muffling my muzzled mind
cloaked in emptiness
behind a window of pain

i then meet some one
always just one
and that one
we become two
not to be friends
not to be lovers
not to be inmates
maybe,
just to be

unlonely

i think i am not the only one with these attempts
i will try to recognize others

that
atleast
won't make me feel
like i'm the only one

drowning

dumbexpected?

so i keep getting my eyes off of You.  not off of Your creations.  when i am immersed in Your nature on earth, i am lost in it.  when i am immersed in Your heavenly nature, i am also freed.  when i am surrounded by Your humanly nature, i smile, i keep my hand on the clip, i am trigger happy, but i am also astounded and impressed.  You are an artist.  such an artist. 

yes i am bored from just viewing and viewing and viewing.  distracting, yes.  very.  i am stuck in this travel.  my destination seems no where. 

who cares

we are alive because we are alive. research into that is a waste of time because who cares? i will walk the beaten path before me singing my own beats and rhythm, beating my cazon under me clad with guitar. my tunes are for me; they're about the sun moon stars clouds waves apparitions reflections and more. so much more. nature is everywhere for us. moments pass and so do their revelations. the human world doesn't give a shit about human revelations. they never did, they never do and they never will about mine. nature loves me all the fucking time. humans do not. even right now, some of you human readers are wondering 'should i continue reading this'? i don't care. as if you do?

essem beevee

so Jurnei ....
i've had some losses recently ....
but Gain's they will prove .....

i miss the people and the customers but i bid godspeed to the coworkers .....
abusers of a good job ......

shall i lose ecclasia or the many different forms?

i thought i was floating on clouds ......
but i realize it is a tiny strand of .....
bubbles ......
and i am on one?
or in one?

and tis ready to burst!

ox muzzle

jurnie!!  interesting ..... losses reappearing but they are still losses.  so are they not there?  are they not here?  maybe matters not.
i smagrin.  although my stomach aches for filling, i still feel somewhat healthy.  thank You for that.  thank You for the coming weekend!  thank You for approving my stand offishness.  i like seeing the boys take ownership and act responsibly.  and then i help when needed.  this is awesome!  today in a few hours, another step to hopeful stability!  thank You for confirming to my stances that i am not wrong.  but do encourage the lazy to not be.  demons of laziness and spite.  weak fathers of the weak fathers.  igoalone.  i am interested in my future lair.  i am totally just standing aside and watching You do Your work.  Your planning.  Your preparing.  Your awesomeness!

jurnie, You also know who and what is in the back ground of my mind.  not just hope, but trust.  one has left.  one has run.  one has a good pairing.  one is instructed.  one is excused.  and right now, one is in the forefront of my gratitude.

still, i don't want to be.  and unable to speak?  i dare not scream!

y

Jurnei

y do i love Thee?

y do You love me?

y am i lost?

y am i hidden within Your Light?

y am i reckoned obsolete?

y is my voice not sound?

y is a touch scraping?

y am i?

y are You?

y is it not yet?

y has my past left me?

y is the future ungained?

y do my eyes hurt?

y haven't i discovered my purpose?

y do i tread the shallow?

y can't i breathe what We once breathed together?

y am i to suffer?

y does contentment befail me?

y do i stand?

y do i sound?

y oh y?