purposeless

the more i attempt, the more i fail

i attempt to be seen
i attempt to be heard
i attempt to be felt
i attempt to be understood
i attempt to be relative

and none am i

so then i sit in silence squandering away the noise

muffling my muzzled mind
cloaked in emptiness
behind a window of pain

i then meet some one
always just one
and that one
we become two
not to be friends
not to be lovers
not to be inmates
maybe,
just to be

unlonely

i think i am not the only one with these attempts
i will try to recognize others

that
atleast
won't make me feel
like i'm the only one

drowning

dumbexpected?

so i keep getting my eyes off of You.  not off of Your creations.  when i am immersed in Your nature on earth, i am lost in it.  when i am immersed in Your heavenly nature, i am also freed.  when i am surrounded by Your humanly nature, i smile, i keep my hand on the clip, i am trigger happy, but i am also astounded and impressed.  You are an artist.  such an artist. 

yes i am bored from just viewing and viewing and viewing.  distracting, yes.  very.  i am stuck in this travel.  my destination seems no where. 

who cares

we are alive because we are alive. research into that is a waste of time because who cares? i will walk the beaten path before me singing my own beats and rhythm, beating my cazon under me clad with guitar. my tunes are for me; they're about the sun moon stars clouds waves apparitions reflections and more. so much more. nature is everywhere for us. moments pass and so do their revelations. the human world doesn't give a shit about human revelations. they never did, they never do and they never will about mine. nature loves me all the fucking time. humans do not. even right now, some of you human readers are wondering 'should i continue reading this'? i don't care. as if you do?

essem beevee

so Jurnei ....
i've had some losses recently ....
but Gain's they will prove .....

i miss the people and the customers but i bid godspeed to the coworkers .....
abusers of a good job ......

shall i lose ecclasia or the many different forms?

i thought i was floating on clouds ......
but i realize it is a tiny strand of .....
bubbles ......
and i am on one?
or in one?

and tis ready to burst!

ox muzzle

jurnie!!  interesting ..... losses reappearing but they are still losses.  so are they not there?  are they not here?  maybe matters not.
i smagrin.  although my stomach aches for filling, i still feel somewhat healthy.  thank You for that.  thank You for the coming weekend!  thank You for approving my stand offishness.  i like seeing the boys take ownership and act responsibly.  and then i help when needed.  this is awesome!  today in a few hours, another step to hopeful stability!  thank You for confirming to my stances that i am not wrong.  but do encourage the lazy to not be.  demons of laziness and spite.  weak fathers of the weak fathers.  igoalone.  i am interested in my future lair.  i am totally just standing aside and watching You do Your work.  Your planning.  Your preparing.  Your awesomeness!

jurnie, You also know who and what is in the back ground of my mind.  not just hope, but trust.  one has left.  one has run.  one has a good pairing.  one is instructed.  one is excused.  and right now, one is in the forefront of my gratitude.

still, i don't want to be.  and unable to speak?  i dare not scream!

y

Jurnei

y do i love Thee?

y do You love me?

y am i lost?

y am i hidden within Your Light?

y am i reckoned obsolete?

y is my voice not sound?

y is a touch scraping?

y am i?

y are You?

y is it not yet?

y has my past left me?

y is the future ungained?

y do my eyes hurt?

y haven't i discovered my purpose?

y do i tread the shallow?

y can't i breathe what We once breathed together?

y am i to suffer?

y does contentment befail me?

y do i stand?

y do i sound?

y oh y?

destress me pleez

thank You Jurnei for this past week.  it has been quiet and calm.  and we got to play music!  i ate a good meal.  You were there with me the whole time!  i could feel You.  i could sense You.  thank You for giving me that night off.

at the cross roads, thank You that there were activities for the people there.  it seemed it was joyous.

please, though, help me peel more of my eyes open.  help me to see what you have given me, surrounded me with.  help me to focus to healthiness.  help me to focus on what i have not on what i do not.  or what i lost.  or what was usurped.  help me to not not not focus on what others give me: stress and disregard and abandonment.

thank You Jurnei for shining above at the end of each work night!  so beautiful!